306.9 The Food Monster Inside Me

On a positive note, I lost a pound!!  After sitting on this same weight for days, my body finally dropped a pound, and was even kind enough to make it into the 306 region, albeit barely.  I know scales are wanky, especially at this weight, and I know that when I go to my doctor's visit this afternoon, I will probably read much higher and that actual weight readings don't mean as much as the inches I'm losing, or the muscles I'm feeling resurface, or the clothes I'm able to wear again, or the my regained ability to jog down the stairs instead of holding on to the railing for dear life and taking one step at a time.  I know all this, I just get caught up in the number assigned to my weight so easily.

Well, speaking of obsessive behavior, I'm at a conundrum this week.  I have been ever so faithful at drinking my shakes and taking my pills.  I'm not always 100% on time, but all the foods get into my body eventually.  My conundrum comes in the form of this upcoming holiday weekend.  I have stressed to my husband over and over again that I want him to continue living his life and not feel like he has to hide food from me or not talk about it.  I want everyone around me to go about doing what they do let me adjust.  So, my family is doing just that this weekend.  We are planning on having a weenie roast with potato salad and coleslaw and the whole bit, plus s'mores.  My husband is giddy with all the preparations.  My mouth starts watering every time I think about it.  Right now, I'm mostly envying the deviled egg potato salad.  Oh the texture!!!

So I have mentioned to my family that I could ask my doctor this week if I could have a "cheating" meal.  I guess it's not cheating if the Dr. approves it, but still.  I'm still not sure how much I can stray from this meal plan without dire consequences.   I panicked over communion that first Sunday, afraid that the tiny cup of juice my mess with my sugar levels, but when I talked to the Nurse Practitioner, she waved it off like it was no big deal at all and even said a lot of sugary or fatty foods over time would be a concern, but not that.  Of course, that got my wheels turning.  If communion was okay, what else could be sneaked in?  A bite of fried sushi?  A fresh cherry? A bite of my husband's Taco Bell?  These are all just inner dialogues.  I have stayed pure since Day 1, but that desire is there.  That's what I'm worried about, the desire.  I'm afraid if I ask my nutritionist, or whomever I see today, and they approve my one meal "cheat", that it will open the floodgates.  I've been strong only because I have this program backing me up.  If I find loopholes, I'm afraid I'll take advantage of them.  I tend to do that.

I have had reoccurring dreams since almost the beginning of this diet.  It started the day we went to my husband's parents house to help them on their property.  At the end of the day, we all sat down at a picnic table and everyone else had fried chicken and the like.  Well, my husband was pooped after working in the hot sun all day, so I served him up a couple of pieces of fried chicken on a plate and as I passed the plate with one hand, I licked the fingers on my other hand!!!  I panicked for half a second, but then laughed it off.  Well, that night, I had a dream that I was in the exact same scenario, picnic table and all, but in front of me was a half empty glass of soda.  In my dream I had a melt down because I was afraid that I had not only been drinking the soda, but what did I eat with it?  Fries? A burger!?  I have had several  dreams like that since, although lately, I'm a lot more relaxed about it, like "Oh well, my diet is ruined. Whatever."  And I wake up with this feeling like it's over now.  I've messed it up.  And I have to convince myself that everything is still okay.  I'm still doing all the right things.

This whole food thing is just a mess.  This is why I don't do well on diets.  I have to do everything perfectly or else I lose myself and that beast within resurfaces, telling me my plate full of Chinese Buffet food is okay because I got some broccoli in there.  This diet that I am on is strict and simple, but I am afraid of what will happen once I am off of it.  My body might be thinner and my stomach might be smaller, but will my brain be different, or will I rejoice that I can stuff myself again?  The thing is, food is rarely as good as I expect it to be.  It's all in my head.

I think my decision is that I'm not ready for the responsibility of a "cheat" meal.  Maybe sometime down the road, but right now, it's just too soon.