Yoga 1 Week Later

Okay, I didn't give up!  Hooray for me!  I still haven't gotten any props, although I did try using my husband's 32 oz plastic cup as a yoga brick once.  It started to groan and bend, so I just decided to go without. I believe I've done 4 or 5 yoga routines so far.  The first disk has three sections:  Strength and Vitality, Flexibility. . Something, and Serenity.  I believe I did three Strength and Vitality, one Flexibility and, today I moved on to the next DVD of the four, Yoga Mix.  It's yoga mixed with dance.  I did the first section, not sure it has a name. . . but it was pretty good!  I like how I don't have to bebop and hop around to break a sweat and get my heart rate up.  I do my best on these routines, modifying it to work for me, not worrying if I don't make the exact same pose as the instructor lady.  She and I are on speaking terms now.  That first day, I got all mixed up when she really got into the routine.  Mountain pose to downward dog, take the left leg in and lunge, move leg back to plank, move up to downward dog. .  .she goes pretty fast, but I'm getting it.  Today, with the new disc came a new lady.  I was able to keep up pretty much until she had us in criss cross applesauce (I can do that better now!) and she wanted me to swing the top leg to the side and back to the front.  Um. . . nope.  I stretched and breathed during that part.

I don't know, it's getting better!  I reserved a book called Big Yoga at the library last week.  I still haven't gotten it, but I'm hoping it will show me a fat person alternative to this move.  I haven't encountered it yet, but there's a picture of it on the Yoga mix DVD and it kind of freaks me out.

Well shoot, in looking for that picture, I found a bunch of yoga poses that freak me out!  Observe the following:







Aaaaaand, this last one is a good example to end on.  Shut your face.  Just shut it right now.  I think someone just broke this lady.  She needs to be returned to factory settings.  I'm glad I began yoga in the naivete of youth.  I don't think I would have considered it at this point in my life if i hadn't had that Yoga for Dummies to start me out.  It's all just a little too intimidating.  Oh well, I'm in it now!

PCOS . . . You Jerk.

I want to be pregnant.  I always thought it would be super easy for me and maybe it would have been ten years ago when I was younger and closer to 200 lbs than 300 lbs.  But no, I have been diagnosed with a condition called PCOS (Polly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and apparently, that makes getting pregnant difficult.

I have read up on it a little and a few girls have said that when they dropped 20 lbs or so they got preggers, so I'm hopeful.  I'm hopeful right now especially because I have dropped 15 lbs since August, so, yeah.

Reason for bringing this issue up again today:  The last couple of days I've had some symptoms that make me wonder.  I got nauseous and dizzy on Monday because I had to drive up a very steep hill.  I'm actually feeling it again just thinking about it.  Tuesday I had some spotting even though I had just finished my period a couple of days earlier.  Yesterday was pretty normal, but today (Thursday) I woke up with an awful headache (which isn't uncommon for me) that was accompanied by nausea and a pain that felt like a pinch in a straight line to the side of my abdomen.  It didn't feel like sore muscle pain from the crunches I did earlier.  It felt different.  I wasn't doing so hot this morning, enough so that my husband pleaded with me to not go to work (I went, anyway).  My mouth was doing that watering thing that it does right before you throw up and I had to think about other things because I really felt like I may throw up on the drive over here.  When I got to work, I took 2 Excedrin Migraine pills and I felt better by the time the kids came into my room.  Am I pregnant or is my PCOS just getting a kick out of messing with me?

It would be great if I were pregnant.  Then we could wait a few weeks and tell our families on Christmas Day!  Wouldn't that be awesome!?!

Yoga, Where Have You Gone?

Here I am at 34 and about to tell a "when I was young" story. . . I had a VCR of Yoga for Dummies that I got cheap on Amazon.  I remember yoga.  Friendly, calm, encouraging yoga.  We were friends.  Granted, I was 25, a good 70 lbs lighter, and I had less of an understanding of my body's limits.  

So, now that I'm working out with my friend Greta after school three to four times a week, trying to watch what I eat, and since I've lost 15 lbs since the beginning of the school year, I thought I would mix it up.  I remembered my fondness for yoga and I purchased Gaiam Beginner's Yoga 4 Disc Set from Target for $15.  Not bad.

Cut to today.  It's 6:13 a.m. on a cool Sunday in November.  Daylight Savings day.  My eyes popped open at 4:20.  It took about an hour to convince myself that I've been given the gift of an extra hour to work out, but finally I got out of bed.  I put on my workout clothes, pulled my hair back, and went down to the living room to start my new yoga routine.  It took a while to figure out how to switch to our little used DVD player from our wii, but I did it.  SO EXCITED!

I learned a few things today.  I learned that my flexibility is even more limited than I thought.  I learned that fat gets in the way when trying to do most of these poses.  I learned I hate this lady. I couldn't get the first position she had us start, which is like criss-cross applesauce, only without the ankles crossing (one ankle in front of the other.  Can't do that, and when I say I can't do that, I mean I physically cannot do that.  My legs just refuse to go that way.  I ended up with one leg about halfway pulled in and the other leg slightly bent and then eventually straight ahead.  Alright.  I was still stretching and I still could practice my yoga breathing.  She had us pull our knees into our chest. Again, can't do that.  What came next, I wasn't prepared for.  She wanted me to roll back and forth along my spine.  I don't think that was supposed to be painful.  She seemed to enjoy it.  My poor tailbone especially had a hard time.  It's been sore for a while from sitting in my comfy chair too long and too often.  I did like the way she talked me through transitioning from sitting on the floor to standing.  That maneuver has become less than graceful through the years.  Still, the more I got into the routine, the more I had trouble following her instructions.  Real trouble.  I ended up sitting on the floor and just breathing and moving my arms.  This chick is crazy.  I am now sitting in my comfy chair with my laptop on my lap, watching her do things that I couldn't dream of doing on my best days.  And I have 4 DISCS of this!!  Four discs of inadequacy.

My next move is to research yoga for fat people.  (Side note, she has just pressed her shin into her face. WHO DOES THAT?!)  Surely there are tips out there for the less than flexible.

****Researching****

Youtube videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZNns5tamRY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ahlwer-Vd8&feature=related

MegaYoga book on Amazon that has a lot to offer just in the Look Inside part:
http://www.amazon.com/Megayoga-Megan-Garcia/dp/0756619475/ref=pd_cp_mov_0

I have learned that I need props.  I have also learned not to take form as seriously.  I mean not worrying about keeping my legs together in child's pose.  I'm sure I knew this at one point, but I have to make exceptions for my "budda belly".  If I widen my legs a bit, my tummy has somewhere to go.  Okay.  Good to know.  If I can remember to bring my sewing machine to school, maybe Greta can help me learn how to thread it and therefore I can be on my way to making one of those tube pillows.  Or maybe I can just find one. . .

Props:  Tube Shaped Pillow, Yoga Bricks, Straps.
Props I have:  Coffee Table, Wall

I'm feeling better about yoga now.  I just reserved a book online from the library:  Big Yoga.    It doesn't look as cool as MegaYoga, but I can't afford to buy more stuff right now.  200 pages?  Hopefully there are some pictures.  We'll see.  I'll just keep trying to do my DVD with modifications that feel better for me.

Maybe I'll dig my Yoga for Dummies VCR tape out of the basement.  I just remember it being easier.

I'm Juicing Now!

I'm really angry at myself today.  I weigh 314.6 lbs.  WHAAAAAA?!?!  Okay, so I knew I had hit 300 a while ago.  Even when I reached 309, I still didn't feel TOOO bad.  But somehow, 314.6 has kicked my butt.

I'm glad I didn't see this before I decided to eat healthy.  I have been on a gradual mission this summer.  I kicked out coffee and tea, suffered the migraines and came out the other side.  Now when I eat my meals, I reach for water instead of a sugary caffeinated beverage.  I admit, when I go to restaurants, I'm still adding sweetener to my water to give it a flavor, but that will pass soon enough.  I also cut back on sugar.  By this, I  mean I am making myself look at the sugar content on EVERYTHING suspicious.  I aim for under 9 grams per serving, but I've been letting 12 or 13 slide by.

Now I'm moving into my veggie loving stage.  I've started juicing again.  Today I juiced a whole bag of oranges, 16 oz of strawberries, most of a bag of spinach, and 8 carrots.  Seems like a lot, but it will probably only be good for 4 servings of juice.  I've done juicing before, but was kind of lost at it.  I think instead of looking in my books and trying to follow some kind of recipe, I'll rely mainly on what's in season and cheap.  Right now, that's strawberries and oranges.  I still want to learn about herbs and such, but the most important thing for me is to settle into a routine.  If I can't master this, I won't keep it up.  I'm hoping that the seasonal fruits and veggies will give me some variety.

My next goal is to start making myself move.  It's so easy to sit on my butt and watch t.v. and pass out into my daily coma.  I need to get up and around.  I'm still figuring out what that will look like.  I have options.  There's an exercise machine in my basement, I have wii Fit, Netflix offers a variety of workout videos, Rick has pulled out and fixed up my old bike.. . .  Again, I have to want to do this.  Otherwise, it turns into another Katie fad.

Again, I will take a moment to complain about my husband's lack of, well, he supports me.  He knows I want to have babies (and he wants them, too).  He tries to keep me accountable, but his little scoldings are half hearted.  I don't know what it is that he's lacking.  Maybe I want him to jump on my bandwagons with me.  It doesn't help things that he's still buying sugar.  He bought a huge bag of mini candy bars last night for his bible study.  I couldn't help myself.  I ate all the Twix I could.  This morning, following the "after my period high", I put all the leftovers (and there were a ton) in a gallon ziplock bag and put them in the basement deep freeze.

I want to be healthy. I want to take control of this thing I have been fighting for so long.  I want this to happen now.

Music Teacher Blues

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I'm an elementary music teacher.  I love my job and I feel like I'm pretty good at it.  Recently, though, I've been noticing things about myself that have hindered my ability to perform my job.  I guess it never occurred to me that being fat could get in the way of me being a good teacher.

It all started a week or two ago when I asked my friend, Josh, how the part time music teacher at his school is working out.  Josh is the full time music teacher, this other man, Dave, is only part time.  Dave is older, rather rotund and riddled with various injuries from being older and rotund.  Josh said he was doing okay, but Josh was concerned about Dave's ability to physically perform the job.  I supposed that Josh was talking about doing movement activities and sitting on the floor with the kids during circle times.  I didn't say anything, but I realized that I had those same problems.

In elementary school, it's called Criss Cross Apple Sauce.  When I was a kid, we called it Indian Style.  Whatever you call it, I can't do it anymore.  My legs just won't stay that way.  One will bend the way it's supposed to and the other will flop out of place.  If I have to get on the ground, I will put both my legs in front of me, both bent off to one side, or I'll sit on my knees until that cuts off my circulation.  When did this become such a difficulty for me?

Jumping.  I have ended jumping full stop.  I do not jump for anything.  Part of it is that I broke my ankle a few months ago and it's still tender, and part of it is because I'm just too heavy to lift myself off the ground anymore.  This limits a lot of movement in the music class since it's not uncommon to use jumping for all manner of activities.  I do a lifting movement with my knees that mimics jumping.  But Katie don't jump no mo.

Movement in general has ended in my teaching style.  I don't have the kids get up and move very much.  I have several spots in the room (stool, heating/cooling unit, my desk, student chairs) where I will park my butt while I teach.  I have spent entire class periods behind my desk operating my computer on the projected screen.  Since when is that music class?

Now, I could make an impassioned plea to myself for the sake of the kids and say "The KIDS need to move more in music class.  It's for the KIDS."  But really, the kids don't care.  They'll come and do whatever it is I tell them we're doing, and I make whatever it is we are doing enjoyable no matter where I've parked my butt in the classroom.  This is all about me.  I want to beef up my music program with movement exercises.  I want to be able to sit in a circle with the kids.  I want to be more energetic and less afraid to use my ankle.  I want to come up with cool ideas for the classroom that I can share with other teachers and have them say "Oooooooo! She's got her stuff together!"

I want to be able to jump again :(

Acme Inc. Strikes Again

Skin tags are part of being fat, right?  I've had a couple on my neck and pulled them off while they were still tiny, but a couple of weeks ago, I found two tags on my left leg right up in the crease near my hoochie.  There was a small one and a bigger one.  They had to have been there for a long time to get as big as they were, but they didn't bother me until I found them.  After I found them, they started to hurt.  The little one hurt more than the big one, so I thought taking care of it was going to make the pain go away.  It's just an annoying pain, not anything serious.  So after a week of fidgeting and hemming and hawing, I finally pinched it off with my fingernail.  It worked an the skin tag was gone.  Fantastic.  But just when I thought my problems were over, the bigger one started to bother me.

This is the moment I started my Wile E. Coyote phase.  The bigger one wasn't as easy.  I tried to pinch it off like the other, and the pain was too much.  Then I tried nail clippers.  Again, too much pain.  Next was shaving it off.  I think I just scraped it up pretty bad because the annoying pain just got worse.  I tried scissors next, but couldn't get a good angle.  This morning I tied floss around it in hopes that it will turn black in a few days and fall off, but I might try clipping off again later today.

Who knew this stupid little skin tag would cause me so much trouble?  Stupid.

***Update: The floss stayed there about a day with nothing happening.  I finally had enough and I pulled the whole thing off.  The floss made it much easier.  No more tag, end of story :)

I find myself being really offended by the Special K commercials that have SKINNY people taking the Special K challenge to lose 5 lbs.  And keep it off.  By drinking their shakes and eating their cereal.  Why can't thin people be happy the way they are?  I would love to be in a place where 20 or even 40 or 50 extra lbs stuck to me.   Last time I checked, with my height and bone structure, my ideal weight is 140.  That means I'm 160 lbs fatter than I should be.  I'm two fat people.  That's a rough truth.

I've been on diets similar to the Special K one.  It's a lot of work.  You change your lifestyle, but it's fun at first.  It's a project.  But then life hits and you go back to "the norm".   Let me tell you, no one's "norm" is to drink a shake that you have to convince yourself tastes good twice a day.  It offends me to think that people who are already thin are out there busting their humps to be, what?  Thinner?

So stupid.

Does Fat Get To Be Beautiful?

A few years ago, I thought it would be fun to blog for my local newspaper, so I volunteered my time to write a blog about being a chubby single girl in Topeka.  I posted two segments, one about the evolution of fat in pop culture as I saw it and another one, well, I forget.  What I do remember was the response I got to my blog.  I only had a handful of people leave comments, but one in particular stuck out to me and may have been the reason why I didn't continue writing for the Capitol Journal.  After my post about how fat girls are beginning to be able to dress fashionably and even have some sway over the opposite sex (as in the song "I Like Big Butts") someone commented that being fat wasn't healthy and that such advances for the fat community were a step back for our society.  I had to stop and think about this.

My first reaction was man, I hate that guy.  But there is a truth to what he was saying.  No, we don't want our children to grow up idolizing fat as the ultimate goal, just like we don't want them idolizing anorexia as the ultimate goal.  Both are terrible on the human body but the main difference is, one is idolized while the other is still seen as grotesque and asexual.

I read comments on an article last week about a plus sized model doing (tasteful) nude photos because she is proud of her body.  The people who weighed in on this article were either in love with this sized 12 model or hated her.  The sentiment was, if you liked this girl, skinny people sucked.  If you preferred skinny, then this plus sized model was hideous and should be ashamed.

Here's what I think.  No, my weight is not ideal.  It is harmful to my body and I need to make changes to my diet and exercise routine if I want to have a long and healthy life.  Yes.  That is no secret.  But right now, I am this way.  Because I am fat, am I to be exiled to a world of stretch pants and greasy hair?  No!  I can't do that. I'm going to shower, I'm going to wear makeup and I'm going to look for companies that can put me in nice clothes.  Now.  That means I need plus sized models to exist and be proud to wear my size 22 clothes.  I need fashion industry people to make these clothes for people my size.  I'm not asking that the world go on a campaign to promote overeating.  I'm asking the world to allow me and people like me to have a chance to be beautiful.

Fat comes with a stigma.  There are people literally starving themselves because they would rather die than look like me.  If you are fat, you do not deserve to be happy and confident.  The world needs us to to feel bad about how we look.  We are not beautiful, and everyone knows that only the beautiful deserve the best jobs, the nicest things, and love.  Fat people don't get to be in love.  Guess what?!  I met a guy who looks me fully in the face, hips, arm fat, thighs, fat rolls, and butt and sees someone worth loving.  The skinny people don't have a monopoly on love!  Take that!!

Yes, I understand the concerns some people may have about plus sized models, but get over it!  Fashion conscious fat people exist.  We are a valid market and we deserve to spend our money on nice things just as much as anyone else.  We deserve our chance at being beautiful.  Why can't we view all  shapes and sizes as beautiful? Why does it just have to be the skinnies?  I say it doesn't.

So, my work has a health initiative program that kind of sucks.  We've had $20 a month health care for years.  I only had it for one year before they started the initiative, but I think that's long enough to get used to it.  The health initiative requires all USD 501 employees to sign participate in healthy activities every quarter.  Last year, when it started, we were only asked to participate in one activity per quarter, this year it's two.  If we do not fill out the proper paperwork, our health insurance spikes up to $110 a month.  My high morals have been put to the test on this one.  They have failed me.  I am not involved in any of the approved activities.  There's a stubborn side to me that doesn't want to exercise now that a knife is being held to my throat.  The high road would be for me to say "Forget you! I'll exercise when I want to!"  Yup.  That would be great.  Unfortunately, we can't afford that.  So then my incredibly high moral standard would then require me to fall in line and exercise as I have been directed.  Yup.  That hasn't happened.

What have I been doing for the past year?  I have been lying. . . kind of.  This all started in January 2011, right after I got married.  One of my options in this program is to keep an exercise log.  The idea is, I work out at least three times a week at home for 30 minutes of my own time and keep record of it.  So. . . I've been recording the number of times Rick and I have sex and labeling it "Cardio".  Lying, but not really.  I was fastidious at first about exact dates, but after the first quarter, I just started guessing about dates.  Our average "doing it" rate is about 3 times a week, normally ranging from 20 to 45 minutes.  Lying, but not really.

So, I am aware that I am only hurting myself.  I continue to do things to trip myself up and weaken my health.  I continue to live in pain and not fit in public chairs or fit in my clothes.  But at least I'm not slaving away for my communist overlords, right?  Right?