306 Well Hello, Weight Watchers!

 

I'm back!  You know, it's really hard to worry about my weight when there are kids around.  I know, lame excuse, right?  Well, shove it 'cuz it's true!  I've been the caretaker for my son's every need, my husband's crazy roller coaster of emotions, and now I have a new precious baby girl to take my attention even further from myself.  Well, not any more!

Last week, after complaining about how heavy we had gotten, my husband and I decided to get back on Weight Watchers.  I wish we could afford Dr. Tague, but he's stopped accepting insurance and we really never could afford in the first place.  Weight Watchers has changed dramatically over the years and I have today, I like that.  Our understanding about what it is that actually makes us fat is constantly changing and growing and I like the fact that WW is willing to say "hey, we got this wrong.  Try this new thing instead."  

The current version of WW is called "Free. . . Style?"  Okay, I don't remember exactly and I'm afraid if I look, I'll get side tracked and forget to finish this post.  (Did you know that you loose focus and memory after you have kids? That's a real thing.)  Anyway, on the new plan, chicken breast and eggs are zero points!  And I thought a couple of years ago was huge when fruits and veggies became zero.  Now, if I run out of points when I get to the end of the day, I don't have to starve.  Now afternoon snacks are made possible guilt free!  Lunch can be a whopping 2 points if I have a grilled chicken salad with veggies, hard boiled eggs, and minimal dressing.  THIS IS DOABLE!!

It's about time I get back on the health train again.  I have hurting knees and constant back pain.  All my clothes are the elastic variety.  It's hard to believe that just three years ago I was a size 14 and buying a denim jacket. Ugh.  My skin crawls at the idea of constricting my arms to denim.  I don't even know what size I am these days because I shop at Wal-mart, where I buy mostly 3x and some 2x if I'm feeling daring.  Overall, my demeanor is calm and slow.  I miss being energetic.  Let's get this weight off so I can enjoy life!

310 Better Together

So, here I am again! Yay!  Two years later and back up 100 lbs.  Well, if I was down to 217 and now I'm 310, it's really what?  93 pounds?  Okay.  Here's what happened.  I got pregnant and the plan went away.  Dr. Tague helped because I had a plan that was figured out for me.  All I had to do was buy the stuff and stick to the plan.  I got really good at improvising within the plan, substituting lean proteins for meal replacements, getting all of my fruits and veggies in. . .etc, but there was still a plan.  Once I got pregnant, I was afraid that the plan wasn't enough to feed my baby, so I went off script.  It took me two years, but I'm up over 300 again.  I could use this whole post to moan and complain about the weight gain.  I could go on about how the cards are stacked against morbidly obese people who lose weight, but we've heard that song and dance before.  I'm going to start here and talk about how I'm coming back.

So, I knew I was gaining all through pregnancy and beyond, but I wasn't too worried about it while I nourished my son (pregnant and nursing).  The moment I stopped nursing was the moment I decided to start weight loss.  Dr. Tague was the obvious choice since it worked so well the first time.  My husband pushed against the idea because of money.  We have a kid now and we are trying to save up to buy a house.  We also had struggles with him feeling left out or left behind during my weight loss journey and when I stopped to be pregnant, he sighed an almost audible sigh of relief.  I still called and set up a free appointment.  What I learned was that Dr. Tague no longer takes insurance.  The new cost of food and dr visits varied b/c sometimes my bloodwork could be run through my GP's office and therefore be covered and sometimes not.  We were looking at possibly $500 a month some months and less others.  That $500 stuck in Rick's brain and freaked him out.

I had kind of had this mentality of "Dr. Tague or NOTHING AT ALL!!"  So when Rick offered to do a cheaper weight loss program with me, I was strongly opposed.  In my brain, Tague was the only method that worked for me and everything else was a waste of time and effort.  It took a few minutes of discussion before I heard him say "I want to do it WITH you."  When I finally let that reach my brain, it awoke something in me.  I realized, I could do this if he came, too.

We looked into Jenny Craig and Nutrisystems.  Both had their benefits and pitfalls, but we finally landed on Weight Watchers.  The big thing for Rick was finding something that would teach him about eating healthy.  I work best if there's a plan, but he likes to figure this stuff out for himself.  I had tried WW before in the past and I know it didn't work for me because I didn't take it seriously.  Sonic grilled cheese and diet limeades were within my points range, but they did not make healthy choices.  I feel like this time I'm better equipped to be successful because of what I learned from Dr. Tague.  Weight Watchers gives me a number, but I choose how I'm going to divide that number up.  I know now how important proteins and fibers are.  I know how to get fruits and veggies in, and thanks to a change in WW, most fruits and  veggies are zero points!  Brilliant!  Now I don't have to choose between a carrot and a slice of bread!

I think the best part is that Rick is doing this with me and he is EXCITED!!  He's going on and on about his points and how he uses them to me and I think it's awesome.  He's learned about tuna (0 points!) and reduced calorie chips (3 points).  I told him this morning that he already looks thinner to me.  His reaction was to weigh himself.  The scale didn't show a difference so he was a little bummed, but we talked about how the scale doesn't always show every victory.  It's strange and new to share this with him.  He's always been so uninterested in all of this and now he's a man obsessed.  I love watching him learn.

He was on the phone with me last night singing the praises of his new 3 point bag of chips.  He said "maybe they taste so good to me because I've given up carbs?" and I laughed inwardly.  We just started this whole thing on Monday.  It was Tuesday.  I had just seen him eat almost a full bag of Southern Style Biscuits and Gravy Potato Chips on Sunday.  He had gone two whole work days without carbs.  Lol!  The struggle is real, folks.

217.2 Aaaaand PREGNANT!!!!!

So. . . .Weight loss has taken a back seat these days because I am pregnant!  Yes!  The whole process of going through the Dr. Tague program worked and I am finally knocked up!  I'm 9 weeks along and as far as I know things are fine.  I go in for my first appointment with the OBGYN next Thursday, so I guess we'll learn more then.

I'm finally thinking to write in here because I have been reading blogs about the very deliciously sexy Tess Munster and how we need to love our bodies as they are and not buy into the whole "Body Currency" idea where you get life points, I guess, when your body looks a certain way.  Apparently, people are mad at Tess for skipping the "achieve the perfect body" step before getting signed for a top modeling agency and finding love with a really nice looking guy.  According to some, she shouldn't be allowed to live a full life until she sheds some weight.

Well, that's bologna.  I can tell you that I achieved my dream job (Elementary Music Teacher) and met and married the man of my dreams all while I was 260-330 lbs.  It was after I found myself in a place of happiness that I was able to drop over 100 lbs.  I hadn't gained the weight out of self loathing, and I didn't loathe myself because I had gained the weight.  I just didn't know where limits were in regards to food.

Now, as far as not buying into the whole weight loss game, I definitely did because I was trapped and I needed help. My body was literally breaking down.  Bad knees, low energy, fatigue, gross little varicose veins, etc, were all plaguing me.  Mostly, though, I wasn't able to fulfill my lifelong dream of having kids.  That was what really pushed me over the edge.  Yes, I was large and in charge and living life to the fullest, but bringing a baby into that body was dangerous.  Dangerous for the baby and for me.  SO!  Things had to change.

I am now down to 217!  I haven't been this thin since college and I LOVE it!!!!  Now, since I've gotten preggers, my boobs have swelled up and I have put on and lost some weight.  217.2 was my thinnest, but I have since gained 3 lbs and lost 1 lb.  I don't really know how much I weigh now and with what I've been eating, I wouldn't be surprised if I've gained a couple more pounds.

I don't want to use pregnancy as the vehicle to get me back to where I was, but I have to eat for the baby.  I need to find a balance.  While I loved myself fat, I'm really enjoying living in this "not as fat" state.  I know I'm still a chunkers to those who never knew me before, but I really love being able to move freely about places.  I love being able to look at a chair (any chair) and know I will fit in it.  It's good to know that if the chair breaks, it's not my fault.  It's good to be here.

233.2 Living in transition: Body issues that come with losing weight

I haven't checked my weight in almost a week, so it's entirely possible I have lost 100 lbs since JUNE!!! That's six months, people!!!!  Well, I'm amazed.  I'm a little overwhelmed, too.  Yesterday, my sister and my friend, Jenelle, were on Voxer with me and the question came up about my self image and how much it had changed.  Jenelle says it's a big problem for people who lose a bunch of weight very quickly.  I don't know if I have changed my view of who I am as a core individual, but I do feel different.  All of my clothes are too big on me.  I can squeeze into tighter spaces.  Jumping, jogging, and movement in general no longer intimidate me.  My knees don't hurt anymore, except for the occasional rainy day. . .  My back hurts all the time, though.  Wonder what that's about?

Well, for all the good weight loss is doing for me, I will say I still have body issues, maybe even more than I had before.  See, before I never really looked at my body unless I was trying to convince myself it wasn't so bad.  I would look at myself, pick up my rolls and jiggle them around a bit, slap my butt and watch the waves of fat ripple, and I would say to myself, "Well, Rick still finds this attractive!" and go on with my day.  I never burst out into tears or was saddened at all by what I saw.  It was just me.  Now that I've lost at least 97 lbs, I'm more conscious of what my body is doing.  I'm still overweight (of course) but now my fat is just limply hanging there instead of making me shapely and curvy.  My boobs!  Oh, my boobs are so deflated.  They look okay when I'm wearing a bra, but I'm going freestyle, they just lay flat against my upper stomach.  My arms look thin at first glance, then you see the wiggle hanging below.  My thighs are sagging, too.  I don't know, it's just a catastrophe right now.  It would help if I would work out, but I'm going through my "I don't feel like working out" phase of the year.  I'll come out of it in January, surely.  I don't know, it's like the thinner I get, the more disappointed I am when I look in the mirror.

Okay, pity party over!  I'm now in my 230's and life is great!  Really.  I promise!  Dr. Tague's diet has really worked wonders.  I feel better equipped now to lose weight, and I feel like I really can keep it off.  I also feel like I have a backup plan for if or when the weight starts to creep back on.  I know what to do to lose it again.  8 servings of lean protein, 5 cups of raw veggies (1/2 of that for cooked), 4 servings of fruit, per day.  Actually, I'm not all that scientifically accurate about the fruits and veggies because I feel like I shouldn't limit the good for me foods, but I pretty much stick to the plan.

248.2 Holy CRAP, do I miss eating!

That wasn't a question, that was meant to be a statement.  But yes, I miss eating.  I mean, that's a dumb thing to say because I eat all the time.  What I mean is that I miss eating without reserve.  I'm on the "Caring Diet", which means I have to have 5 cups of raw veggies (or 2.5 cups cooked), 1.5 cups fruits, and 16 oz of lean protein a day. Do you know what's missing from that list?  EVERYTHING ELSE.  No rice, no potatoes, no bananas, no nuts, no grains, no sugars, no cookies. . . .  Okay, let me back up and explain what inspired this post.  My husband went to Lawrence, KS last night.  For anyone who does not live in the Topeka, KS area, Lawrence is the slightly smaller and much cooler/hipster/leftover hippy town about 20 minutes to the East of Topeka.  It gets to be cool because it's a college town.  Anyway, Rick went to Lawrence to hang out with his brother and help him install a cable cord or something like that.  Afterwards, they went out to eat and Jeff took Rick to a bakery and bought him what I can only assume was a dozen cookies.  There are about 6 left.  I came downstairs this morning to weigh myself to see that bag of cookies on the coffee table.  Let me just insert a little factoid about myself.  I love baked goods.  I haven't been able to have any for almost 5 months.  Anyway, I waited a long time before I peeked inside the cookie bag and saw the Snickerdoodles.  Oh crap.  One piece was broken off a cookie, so I let myself take the tiniest of nibbles.  I savored the flavor of the cinnamon and baked goodness, being really proud that I could take such a small bite and be satisfied.  That was until my brain said, "no, that's not what I care about."  My food problem has never been about enjoying flavors.  I mean, I do, but the real problem was that I enjoy the feeling of a full mouth.  I don't know how else to explain it.  I'm a big bite girl.  Always have been.  To me, "eating" is cramming as much food into my mouth as possible, chewing it up, and swallowing in big gulps.  That tiny bite isn't what my body was craving.  It wanted that whole piece mushing around in my face.  I didn't DO it!  Instead, I got on here to vent.  Maybe that's an equivalent to an alcoholic who doesn't drink for the taste, but for the rush of feeling drunk? I don't know.  I still get to stuff my face, it's just with 5 cups of raw veggies (or 2.5 cups cooked), 1.5 cups fruits, and 16 oz of lean protein a day.  I've been getting really good at making egg white omelettes.  Maybe I'll go make one right now.  It'll wash the Snickerdoodle taste out of my mouth.

277.6 Rewind the Future

This ad hits home for me.  I know people are up in arms because it seems to be taking a strong stance against parents, but that's not what I see at all.  I see my own life flashing up on the screen.  Well, my life up to a point.  If the video isn't working, search "Rewind the Future" on youtube.  Here's the video's description:

Meet Jim—the character in our Rewind the Future video—he is a man whose life flashes right before his very eyes, unhealthy habits and all. You'll get a shocking sneak peek into the future to see what life might be like for a child who carries unhealthy habits with him into adulthood.

I was not shocked by the idea that fat people can end up having serious health problems.  I was more jarred by the familiarity of his flashbacks.  Getting winded easily, finding myself sitting in front of the television most of the time, hearing the warnings from doctor after doctor telling me I am pre-diabetic, ordering pizza, eating delicious birthday cakes, drinking soda like it was water, trading my apple for someone's cupcake at school. . . this has been my life.  I will say that my mom tried to encourage  us to eat vegetables and to leave the sweets alone, but I was not convinced.  Mom didn't seem too worried, either, because I was never THAT fat growing up.   Up to a certain age, I had doctors telling me that while I was big for my age, I was healthy as a horse.  That little tidbit took me well up into the 200's.

My problem has always been reactionary.  I have a feeling, emotional or physical, and I reach for unhealthy foods to make it better.  I don't wax on about food or think about it constantly.  I really only ever think about it when I feel something.  That's why this diet is helpful to me.  It gives me something to reach for when I feel hunger.

Being 53 lbs down has been nice.  Clothes that used to be to tight started fitting again, and now are starting to get loose.  All of my jeans come off me without having to unbutton them.  My hips go straight down now instead of balooning out. I'm still look like a fatty fatso, but I FEEL skinny.  It's pretty great.

294.1 Addressing Overweight Issues

This video made my day.  I can say with confidence I don't feel like this when I work out anymore, but I am no stranger to these thoughts.  The very end when they both are chowing down on greasy burgers. .  yep.  That was always my problem when I would exercise in the past.  I would get SO HUNGRY and I would tend to over compensate.  Then when I would focus on dieting, I would be tired all the time and unmotivated to move.  Anyway, I didn't want to post this for analyzing purposes.  I just thought it was funny and relatable.  

Here, let's judge and over analyze THIS video:

Okay, to be fair, this is HER journey and her experience.  I do believe she's trying to be honest and helpful and she may even BE helpful to someone.  I don't know, I didn't check the comments section.  Also, this is the first video of hers I've seen, and she's apparently made several regarding her journey, so I'm not getting the full story.  The video is 11 minutes long, and she talks.  A lot.  She's got the video split up into sections using title screens, so I ended up skipping to the next title and listening to a bit of what she had to say and then going to the next title.  I'll address each title.

Crossing My Legs:

She's right, as a 300 lb woman, I can't cross my legs.  I don't think.  Here, let me try. . . Well, I suppose I can, but it's not comfortable.  I can't say I miss it or have found myself envying women who can.  I remember a few years back when I had lost weight enough that I could cross them with ease again and I remember the feeling of pride I had, but my over all life experience hasn't been tarnished by this lack of dexterity.  I do miss getting up and down off the floor with ease.  A couple of years ago, I worked out enough that I was able to sit criss-cross applesauce (Indian style) with the kids again, and that was nice.  I don't know.  I'm sure I'll be proud to have it back, but as of right now, I don't miss crossing my legs.

Hugging Without Feeling Self Conscious:

Is this a thing?  I tend to feel I give the best hugs BECAUSE I'm overweight.  I was at an airport once in the area where people come off the plane and their loved ones rush to meet them.  Well, I saw a really skinny girl come through the gate and a really skinny guy rushed to give her a big hug.  I'm sorry, but to me, it looked like two sticks banging together.  I literally wondered if the bone on bone contact was painful for them?  I don't know.  When I feel like giving a big hug, I have no worries about giving it my all.  That's my experience.

I will give this much to her, though:  when I was a teenager or maybe even my early twenties, I did experience the fear that someone would touch my rolls and be grossed out.  Then I got my first boyfriend and he didn't care at all, so I got over it.

Wearing "Normal" Sized Jewelry:

I think maybe she wore her fat differently from me.  She said she wore a size 11 ring and had to wear men's watches.  My ring size is 9. . and a half?  And I don't find many bracelets that fit me loosely enough, but I always attributed that to my bone structure.  I don't know.  When I was in high school and got my weight from 190 to 178 (my mom likes to refer to that time as "when you lost all that weight", but it was only about twelve pounds), I noticed my shoe size went down from between 10.5/11 to 9/9.5, so maybe there's room for shrinkage, but I'm not really a jewelry person, so I don't notice it so much.  I am in a community choir and we have to wear these necklaces that hang loosely on most people but tend to become a choker on me.  Maybe that will change?!  I would like to wear BELTS! That would be fun.

Wearing "Cute Strappy" Shoes:

Okay, I'm going to say I relate to this one the most.  She's talking mostly about heels in this section and I'm going to say I know exactly what she's talking about.  I do not do heels.  I've even gone all the way to the other end of the spectrum and purchased orthopedic shoes for myself.  You have to when you're overweight and you stand on concrete all day.   My first couple of years teaching, I experienced heel pain from improper shoes, so I bought Crocs.  Not the big ugly ones with holes, but the cuter ballerina flats.  Then I broke my ankle at the beginning of year three and my other knee had to over compensate, so I had knee problems.  My answer to that was Orthaheel shoes.  I do have some regular ballerina flats for church and flip flops for summertime wear, but no heels no way.  My ankles are to weak to support all this weight and the heavier you are, the more heels HURT your feet.  I'll try heels when I get closer to the 200 mark.  As far as the "strappy" shoes go, they just don't look good on swollen ankles.  My answer has always been long pants to cover up my feet/ankles whenever possible.

Getting Dressed Each Day:

She waxes on about how she dreaded getting her outfits together when she was fat.  Blah blah blah.  Find cute clothes that fit and it doesn't matter what size you are, dressing in new clothes is always fun.   I just never seem to have the funds to allocate towards clothes, so all my stuff has hidden holes and buttons and seams that have been mended.  No matter my size, I've always liked to wear bold colors.  It's just part of me.  Now, I am in no way a "fashionista", but I do okay.

Overall, her "motivation" does not work for me.  She puts down being fat in such a negative way, and sorry, if you are now skinny, you don't get to go there.  It's like my friend who had been single with me for years and then found herself in a relationship, but wanting to still shout out to her single friends on Valentines Day.  It just doesn't go over well.   Being fat has challenges, yes, but it isn't the nightmare she was waxing on about.  I tend to face my fat challenges with humor, not shame.  Anyway.  That's where I am today.

 

 

304.7 Walking in the Rain, Harley Pasternak, and the Evils of Fructose!

I woke up this morning and put on my exercise clothes just like I've been doing every morning for the past few weeks.  I waited around while my husband got ready so I could spend as much time as possible with him and when he kissed me goodbye and opened the door, we both saw it.  Rain was saturating my neighborhood.  Rick looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and said "Have fun walking in the rain!"  I knew what that meant.  He thought my plans for walking were squelched.  Well, think again, Mister!  Years ago, probably in the 2005-2006 range, I got serious about walking every day.  This was mainly thanks to my friend, Shawna.  We lived in the same apartment complex, so I would walk over to her place every morning at 6:00 and we would walk around the complex for about an hour.  I remember the first time we encountered rain on our walk.  Shawna wasn't phased, so I kept my mouth shut.  I also learned from her that if your shoes give your heals blisters, walk through the pain and it eventually goes away.  You have bloody socks to show for it, but you also have a hard, painless scab that falls off after a while.   She also taught me to keep walking in the cold.  Yes, you start out freezing, but the harder you work your body, the warmer you get.  Because of her, I gained the confidence to walk the 2 miles to my work one Saturday in 32 degree weather.  I never would have done that before.   So, when I saw the rain this morning, I did pause momentarily.  Then I opened the door and waved to my confused husband as he drove off to work.  The rain was actually cool and refreshing, and it was the best time for me to be walking today because NPR said that the humidity will rise today and cause the temp to feel like 105.  YUCK!!

Okay, I need to take this moment to give a shout out to Harley Pasternak for putting out a GREAT Wii workout.  I picked it up at KMart for $6.00.  Not too shabby!  I like Harley personally because he's just a down to earth kind of guy giving good tips while he asks you to push your limits.  There are short videos of him giving health and nutrition advice, but you work out to a (somewhat poorly done) CGI version of him and two women doing the workouts with his voice superimposed over it.   The (I don't know what to call it.  Disc? Game? Wii program?) works in this way:  He's got 28 workout segments that you can do individually, or you can chose a 10 week or a 5 week program.  I chose the 10 week program and every day, I get new workout segments to work different parts of the body.  It's like having several workout DVD's without having to switch them out all the time.  You either hold the Wii remote or put it in your pocket (I have to tuck it in my underwear bc I don't have pockets--Eww, I'm suddenly realizing how gross that sounds) and the Wii will pick up your movements and give you points while it counts your reps.  I usually have time to get more done than the program says, but sometimes it doesn't pick up what you do, so it tends to balance itself out.

 You don't do the number of reps it tells you and then stop, you do as many as you can in a set number of time.  I like that they give you a little countdown at the top so you can see how much longer this torture will go on.  Of course, just like everything else technological these there are charts so you can follow your progress.  The disc cover says there's a diet program on there, but I think it's just short videos of him giving nutrition tips after your workout.  When I bought it, I thought it might be like a calorie counter,  but no.  

He's very positive and easy to relate to in the workouts, but he will yell at you if you stop (or he thinks you stop because the remote didn't pick up your movements.) I've learned that a lot of times, the Wii doesn't want you to mirror him, it wants you to do the opposite.  I'm not proud of it, but this morning, while doing double crunches, I cheated.  I did the required amount and then some, but to keep him from yelling at me for stopping, I just laid there and pumped the Wii remote up and down over my head.  Gotta strive to not do that.  I read some reviews about this program on Amazon before I bought it (thank you, Age of the Smart Phone!) and one reviewer said the workouts were too easy.  I would say for a 300+lb woman who has worked out extensively before, it wasn't easy.  I would call it accessible.  It wasn't the extreme rubbish I came across the first time I tried to do Yoga.  Oh, and one more thing:  It's made for Wii Fit, but you don't need a board to do any of the exercises.  The board is just there to track your weight, which it won't read above 300 lbs.  I found this confusing and a bit insulting, but oh well!  Wii Fit is keeping track of my weight in the regular program.

Okay, so I totally spent an hour and a half this morning watching a video about fructose.  

He looks like George W. in this still, doesn't he?  Well, he isn't.  He's Dr. Robert H. Lustig and he's got some interesting things to say about obesity.  The video is set in a lecture hall and it is an hour and a half long, but Dr. Lustig is a great speaker.  He sucked me in and held my attention through most of his presentation.  At one point, he says if you've had biochemistry he will blow your mind, but if you haven't he will put you to sleep.  I fell asleep.  Only for a few minutes and only because he was going WAY over my head.  The rest of the lecture was completely fascinating.  There's a lot of information in there, but in its most simplistic form, it can be boiled down to this video.  Be warned, it's pretty gross:

Oh, I'm going to finish this incredibly long blog post to address some concerns I had the last time I wrote.  I was worried about not losing weight, and the nurse practitioner said it was normal and will happen a lot through the course of this program.  I asked her about working out and she said the more the better.  I guess they give really small goals in the beginning so people who aren't used to working out won't get discouraged?  I guess?  Also, I did not cheat at the wienie roast.   I stuck with my packets of food and drank my water and took everyone else's word for it that the quarter pound Hebrew National hot dogs we got were really good.    Funny how I didn't eat the food but I still had a great time. .  

306.9 The Food Monster Inside Me

On a positive note, I lost a pound!!  After sitting on this same weight for days, my body finally dropped a pound, and was even kind enough to make it into the 306 region, albeit barely.  I know scales are wanky, especially at this weight, and I know that when I go to my doctor's visit this afternoon, I will probably read much higher and that actual weight readings don't mean as much as the inches I'm losing, or the muscles I'm feeling resurface, or the clothes I'm able to wear again, or the my regained ability to jog down the stairs instead of holding on to the railing for dear life and taking one step at a time.  I know all this, I just get caught up in the number assigned to my weight so easily.

Well, speaking of obsessive behavior, I'm at a conundrum this week.  I have been ever so faithful at drinking my shakes and taking my pills.  I'm not always 100% on time, but all the foods get into my body eventually.  My conundrum comes in the form of this upcoming holiday weekend.  I have stressed to my husband over and over again that I want him to continue living his life and not feel like he has to hide food from me or not talk about it.  I want everyone around me to go about doing what they do let me adjust.  So, my family is doing just that this weekend.  We are planning on having a weenie roast with potato salad and coleslaw and the whole bit, plus s'mores.  My husband is giddy with all the preparations.  My mouth starts watering every time I think about it.  Right now, I'm mostly envying the deviled egg potato salad.  Oh the texture!!!

So I have mentioned to my family that I could ask my doctor this week if I could have a "cheating" meal.  I guess it's not cheating if the Dr. approves it, but still.  I'm still not sure how much I can stray from this meal plan without dire consequences.   I panicked over communion that first Sunday, afraid that the tiny cup of juice my mess with my sugar levels, but when I talked to the Nurse Practitioner, she waved it off like it was no big deal at all and even said a lot of sugary or fatty foods over time would be a concern, but not that.  Of course, that got my wheels turning.  If communion was okay, what else could be sneaked in?  A bite of fried sushi?  A fresh cherry? A bite of my husband's Taco Bell?  These are all just inner dialogues.  I have stayed pure since Day 1, but that desire is there.  That's what I'm worried about, the desire.  I'm afraid if I ask my nutritionist, or whomever I see today, and they approve my one meal "cheat", that it will open the floodgates.  I've been strong only because I have this program backing me up.  If I find loopholes, I'm afraid I'll take advantage of them.  I tend to do that.

I have had reoccurring dreams since almost the beginning of this diet.  It started the day we went to my husband's parents house to help them on their property.  At the end of the day, we all sat down at a picnic table and everyone else had fried chicken and the like.  Well, my husband was pooped after working in the hot sun all day, so I served him up a couple of pieces of fried chicken on a plate and as I passed the plate with one hand, I licked the fingers on my other hand!!!  I panicked for half a second, but then laughed it off.  Well, that night, I had a dream that I was in the exact same scenario, picnic table and all, but in front of me was a half empty glass of soda.  In my dream I had a melt down because I was afraid that I had not only been drinking the soda, but what did I eat with it?  Fries? A burger!?  I have had several  dreams like that since, although lately, I'm a lot more relaxed about it, like "Oh well, my diet is ruined. Whatever."  And I wake up with this feeling like it's over now.  I've messed it up.  And I have to convince myself that everything is still okay.  I'm still doing all the right things.

This whole food thing is just a mess.  This is why I don't do well on diets.  I have to do everything perfectly or else I lose myself and that beast within resurfaces, telling me my plate full of Chinese Buffet food is okay because I got some broccoli in there.  This diet that I am on is strict and simple, but I am afraid of what will happen once I am off of it.  My body might be thinner and my stomach might be smaller, but will my brain be different, or will I rejoice that I can stuff myself again?  The thing is, food is rarely as good as I expect it to be.  It's all in my head.

I think my decision is that I'm not ready for the responsibility of a "cheat" meal.  Maybe sometime down the road, but right now, it's just too soon.

308.2 Disappointment and Fitbit

How I feel about the recent weight loss success stories.

Yes, I am feeling discouraged now.  I know diets take a lot of weight off at first and then level off and that
there are many factors involved, chiefly, muscle gain can slow overall weight gain down.  I am aware.  This week, I have been settling into a workout routine.  I've been doing a bit of strength training and yoga on the wii (10 different workout poses) and walking a mile around my town home complex. I'm trying to get in 5,000 steps a day, but since I'm not working and I sit around all day, I'm not meeting that goal all the time.  Now I'm considering that the workout poses on the wii are too much.  Maybe I should just stick to walking?  I'm supposed to be dropping the weight super fast, but since Monday, I've lost a little over a pound.  When it was flying off me, I was sure that I was going to be in the 200's today.  It's all just a little disheartening. . . .

So how do you cheer up a chubby without food?  NEW STUFF!!  How do I make a long story short? . . . Just read this part really fast:

In January 2013, my husband succumbed to my pleading and got me a Fitbit One as a late Christmas present (burgundy, to be exact).  I clipped that puppy to my bra and had so many wonderful adventures.  Somehow knowing that there is a device on you measuring your activity just makes you want to be more active, you know?  Sure, it was uncouth of me to have to reach into my bra and fish it out just to show my friends my new toy, but it was AMAZING!  It had a little screen on it that gave me up to date readings on my steps, flights of stairs, and sleep? (I think?) Thee was even a flower that showed you your progress, and it would say cute things to me like "Way to go, Katie!" "You can do it!"  I loved that thing.

Well, about five months in, the spot where I kept the fitbit started to get sore, and truth be told, I started to become concerned about microwaves and breast cancer.  I thought maybe I should try a different spot to see if it would get sore there, too.  So one day, I put fitbit on the right side of my bra by my arm just to see if that would make a difference.  By mid afternoon, it was gone.  Gone.  Sadness.  Despair.  Gone.

Cut to a week ago when a friend suggested to me that I contact Fitbit Customer Support.  Against all reason, Fitbit decided to give me a new one.  WHAT??  It's been over a year!  I guess they are just that cool.  I asked them if they could send me a wristband model instead of another One b/c I was afraid of losing it, but they said they couldn't do that.  Know what I did?  When it came in the mail yesterday,  I went to Best Buy and traded it in for a teal Fitbit Flex!  WHOOT!  This one doesn't have the cool screen, but it does sync with my phone so I can get all the same info (maybe without the encouraging words).  SO EXCITED!!   It really is helping me forget about how bummed I am with my weight plateau.

308.9 lbs Meal Replacements

Dr. Tague's office weighed me at 2:30 and I was at 313 lbs.

I was going to do this a while ago, but just didn't.  I thought I would go through each of the things I have to eat ("have to" not as in someone is forcing me, but as in that's what I have).

Vitamins and Supplements

I have fourteen pills in the morning and fifteen at night that I have to take.  They vary in size, so I've been taking three at a time, making sure there's only one big one in each group of three.  I tried taking them all at once in the beginning, but nearly choked.  I don't know what all of them are for, but I do know the tiny gold ones are Vitamin D, the brown circles are Iron, the three larger speckled ones are a Metabolism Booster, and the giant gold ones are my Omega 3 fish oils.  I'm going to take this opportunity to kind of boast about these Omega 3's.  I have taken several kinds fish oil pills before.  I gave up on them because no matter how much the bottle would brag about "no fishy aftertaste", I would always find myself minding my own business and all of a sudden being overcome by several rancid fish burps.  Blech.  These are the best Omega 3's I've had yet.  Granted, I do have the occasional fish burp, but it's usually just one and it's not that powerful.  I haven't even had a fish burp in the last few days.  I'm very pleased with these.




8:00 a.m.  Oatmeal


I admit, I didn't care for the oatmeal my first day.  I prepared it according to the directions and the thickness and consistency grossed me out.  I have since decided that adding more water and drinking it like a shake is much better.  Though, it doesn't look that appetizing, does it? Rick asked me last week when I came home with all this food, why can't we just buy oatmeal from the store and portion it out?  Little did either of us know that the oatmeal is not really oatmeal.  Or at least, not oatmeal in a form I've ever known.

Technically, I am supposed to eat the oatmeal first and then take my supplements.

10:00 a.m. Chocolate Shake

The chocolate shake is pretty run of the mill.  It tastes just like a Slim Fast shake.  I got used to those a long time ago.  I know it says to serve them cold, but I have come to prefer mine room temp because they go down faster.  Honestly, this is pretty enjoyable for me.  The straw is pretty fun.  It telescopes out much like a tampon applicator.












12:00 p.m. Chicken Noodle Soup and White Cheddar Soy Crisps

The Chicken Noodle Soup is pretty good. It reminds me of those cheap Ramen Noodle packets, only if instead of boiling the noodle block, you just heat up the bouillon packet and add the noodle crumbs.  It's satisfying because it is warm and therefore filling. I've learned that with the soups, it's best to stir the powder in hot water from the faucet and then microwave them for 1 minute.  Before I added the microwaving step, even with boiling water, the powder would not fully dissolve and would leave a thick residue on my teeth.

I have the White Cheddar Soy Crisps on the side, and they are okay.  They smell like that smelly European cheese.  The texture bothered me.  They're REALLY crunchy, and they break down into smaller REALLY crunchy pebble like pieces.  I ended up figuring out that if I put them in the soup, it softens them.  The smelly cheese flavor makes the soup less enjoyable, but it still tastes pretty good overall.

3:00 Chocolate Comfort Bar

This bar does not disappoint.  While I'm still not sure if it would actually melt in higher temperatures, this is what I have to look forward to in the mid afternoons.  The flavor is not unlike a Nestle Crunch bar, and there are actually little crisps inside, although not very many.  If it gives you any idea, I got in my car, ripped into this bar and was chewing on my first two squares before it occurred to me to take a picture.  I even gave my husband a half a square the other day and he was impressed.  Whoever named this bar hit the nail on the head.








4:30 Satisfy Fiber Drink

I don't know if you can tell, but this turns into more of a gel when it sits long enough (5-10 minutes).  I was drinking it slowly tonight because we went on a few errands before dinner and I knew I wasn't going to be back for a while.  The whole point of this drink is to prepare your stomach to be full at dinner time?  Or make you fuller?  I don't know.  It's a cherry lemonade flavor, and while it smells awful, it tastes pretty good.  It grosses my husband out, though, and he wasn't too patient with me holding the bottle upside down once we had stopped waiting for that last little bit to ooze out.







5:00 Beef Vegetable Soup and Chocolate Shake

I know it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but once I have that Beef Vegetable Soup and Chocolate Shake, I'm good to go for the rest of the evening.  I still have cravings, and it seems like around dinner time is when they get the worst, but these two beauties help me feel full and satisfied.  I already talked about the shake, and the soup is a lot like the Chicken Noodle, only beef flavored, and it has little dehydrated carrots in it.  It's quite good.

7:00 Vanilla Shake

The Vanilla Shake is pretty tasty, although it leaves a weird after taste in my mouth.  This really isn't a big deal, though, because I can just brush my teeth or drink lots of water with my pills to make it go away.   It did start to gross me out when I realized how similar it looked to breast milk. . .












Overall, the food is doable.   I generally don't care what I eat throughout the day, but it seems I have the strongest cravings around dinner time.  I mentioned that I drank the Satisfy Fiber on the way to running errands.  It lasted me about 45 minutes, and by the time we got to Sam's Club, I was longing for that big box of Pillsbury Cinnamon Rolls and wondering when I would be able to EAT again.  I actually got pretty testy with Rick over something small and I realized I was agitated about not being able to eat food NOW.  Once we got home and I had some soup and shake, I calmed down.

This meal plan is designed to keep my metabolism working by having me eat every 2-3 hours.  The times I put on each heading were approximations, and I think I ran in to trouble because there was too big of a time gap between my fiber drink and actual dinner.  I'm still getting the hang of this thing, but I'm pleased with it so far.

310.4 lbs Weight Loss Updates

310.4 lbs

Okay, I didn't start recording my progress sooner because I guess I didn't want to take this program seriously. I don't know, you just stop losing hope in things when every weight loss program you try fails. The thing you need to understand about being this heavy is that five pounds is often the difference between breakfast and dinner.  In other words, I weigh myself in the morning and have one weight, weigh myself again in the evening and I'm five to ten pounds heavier.  This is why you really have to weigh yourself at the same time each morning on the same scale.  In the start of this process, I did not use the same scales.  Still,here is a brief rundown of things so far:

Early in June, I weighed myself in the middle of the afternoon on my unreliable* bathroom scale.  It said 330.

On June 11, I went to Dr. Tague's office for initial tests.  My weight on their scale said 326.

On June 12, I started using my Wii fit again and it said I was at 321.7

On June 16, Wii Fit said I was 318.8

On June 18, I went back to Dr. Tague's office to start the program.  My weight on their scale said 319.**

On June 20, Wii Fit said I was 314.2

On June 21, Wii Fit said I was 312.8

Today, June 23, Wii Fit said I was 310.4

So . . . Overall, I have seen my weight go down.  If I can believe that my bathroom scale was on to something, I have lost 20 lbs total.  Since I was officially weighed at Dr. Tague's office, I have lost 16 lbs in a week and a half.  About 9 of those pounds have come off in 4 days on this meal replacement program.

Wow.  I'm really bad with numbers, so I'm still trying to work out how I calculated that wrong. . . .

No. . . . I think it's right.

Wow.  My Wii Fit is worried about my rapid weight loss.  It keeps telling me it's not good to lose weight so fast.  If I wasn't being monitored by a doctor, I would be worried, too.  Wow.


*I can stand on that scale three consecutive times and get three different numbers.
**I began walking most mornings on June 12 and that alone took off that initial 7 lbs.

319 lbs The First Day of CNPM

CNPM is my abbreviated slang for Center for Nutrition and Preventative Medicine.

Okay, so last week, I had some fitness tests done, got weighed, filled out a very long questionnaire, had some blood taken . . . but today.  Today was the accumulation of all the information they received about me and the analysis according to Dr. Tague of what should be done about it.

It started with some more questions from a nurse to kind of follow up on information.  She went over my blood tests and my body analysis with me.  I'm currently 319 lbs.** There was a readout that told me how much of that was fat and how much was really truly me.  Needless to say, the numbers weren't good.  My blood tests showed that I was deficient in Vitiman D and Iron, and that my blood sugars were higher than they like.   It showed a couple of other irregularities that I do not understand, but might have something to do with all the pills.  Later on in my session, a nurse came back with a butt load of Vitamin D pills for me to take.  I mean seriously, it was a lot.  I asked her later how many pills she had given me and she told me it was 30 pills.  I'm going to take a picture and show you how many that really is at the end of this post.

After all the talk with the nurse, Dr. Tague came in to speak with me.  I think that was one of the most candid and interesting talks about my weight I have ever had.  He had the little "why do I think I'm fat" quiz that I had filled out, he had my blood test results, and he had my body fat analysis form all to work with and what he had to say was kind of surprising.

He talked about my dramatic spike in weight since age 20 and how that's not normal.  I estimated that when I was 20, I weighed about 220 lbs.  Since then, 15 years later, I've put on about 100 lbs.  That is not supposed to happen.  He emphasized that I was intelligent and capable, but despite my best efforts, my weight was still going up.  I guess I've just gotten used to the notion that my weight gain is my fault.  He asked me why I thought I had gained so much weight.  I was kind of taken aback because I thought it was obvious.  I told him lack of proper diet and exercise, and then I told him I emotionally eat and a lot of my life has been stressful  and eating makes me feel better.  He seemed to like the last part of my answer.  He started telling me that lack of exercise wasn't the reason for my weight gain.  He said most people don't go to the gym on a regular basis, but they aren't putting the weight on like I have.  He narrowed my problem down to genetics and a wanky metabolism.   It's weird, but this is a conversation I've needed to have for years and it does make sense.  I've always felt like losing weight was like sucking my gut in.  When I did it, it improved my look and I felt better about myself, but I could only do it for so long before I had to relax and once I relaxed, I was back to where I started. ***

The end result was he put me on a plan for a BUNCH of vitamins and complete meal replacements.  I'm not supposed to eat ANYTHING outside of this plan.  Well, there's a list of "free" things like spices or certain condiments.  I'm surprised that more vegetables aren't on there, but I can eat 2 servings of spinach and mixed greens per day.  I am on this strict diet for as long as it takes to get me to a certain weight goal.  I'm not sure, but I think it's when I get to 220, and then we wean me off the meal plan and (hopefully) some of these supplements.  Seriously, they have me taking 16 pills in the morning, 4 pills at 4 pm, and 14 pills at night.  I'm surprised they want me to eat any food on top of that.  I'm also taking a Satisfy Fiber powder drink that I mix up before supper to help fill me up.  OH!  And I forgot about the appetite suppressant. That one he had to prescribe and I haven't picked it up from the pharmacy yet.

I'm seriously so overwhelmed by all of this, and of course, when the nurse was going over all of this stuff with me, all I saw were dollar signs.  Nothing prepared me for my total, though.  There were some discounts involved, but the end grand total was $301.  I haven't told Rick yet.  I'm not done peeing my pants over that total yet.  The food they gave me will last a week, and the vitamin supplements are good for a month, but man.  Man man man, that sounds like a lot of money.   I'd better be 100% on board with this or else Rick will REALLY have something to be upset about. What a waste of money if I just give up on it!  Hopefully, I will be able to see the monetary value of it sometime soon.  I put this first installment on my medical flex card, but if this goes on for too many months, I don't see the flex card holding out.  I might start looking into part time jobs to make up the difference.  Maybe my mom will have a generous wild hair and offer to pay for it.  She's excited about this new program from what I was able to tell her a couple of weeks ago.  Now that I have more information, I think she'll be even more excited for me.  I want to be excited, but right now I'm just stressed.

Pictured above: The meal replacement food.  I'm supposed to eat the oatmeal for breakfast, a chocolate shake for a mid-morning snack, the chicken noodle soup and cheddar chips for lunch, a chocolate bar for an afternoon snack, the beef vegetable soup and another chocolate shake for dinner, and the vanilla pudding for an evening snack.  Basically, I'm supposed to eat every 2 to 3 hours to get my metabolism going.

Pictured above:  My legion of supplements.  From left to right:  Metabolism Essentials multivitamin, Omega 3 Essentials, Potassium Citrate, 5-HTP, Vitamin D-3 Iron Chelate, Cal Mag Essentials, Chromium GTF 200, and Satisfy Fiber.  Nuts.

Pictured above:  Remember when I said the nurse returned with 30 Vitamin D pills for me to take?  I counted 30 of them out for you to see.  It was more daunting when I saw them in that little dixie cup she gave me. I still seriously feel them stuck in my esophagus.  

**This is surprisingly 11 lbs less than last week, but I was also suffering from the period from hell and that might have had a lot to do with it.  I have been walking daily (mostly) since then and I think that has helped, too.

*** He did mention that he would like me to wait until I've lost 80-100 lbs before I get pregnant.  I really didn't want to go on birth control on top of everything else, but he did mention a spermicide gel for the meantime.  On top of everything else right now, I really don't want to spend more money on things for this program. . . but I want to be healthy before I get pregnant, too.   I don't know.  One of the many things to talk about with Rick.

326 lbs Asking For Help

I have done the unthinkable.  I have gone to a dietitian for help.  I think my last few posts have highlighted my despair when it comes to losing weight.  I'm just not good at staying on track.  Hopefully, going to a Dr. whom I have to PAY will help me focus.  I have signed up for the Center of Nutrition and Preventative Medicine.  It actually was my doctor that suggested I give it a try, and Obama's health care reform actually made it possible for my insurance to cover a good chunk of it!

I went in seven months ago to have a free consultation, but because our Flex Plan card was almost used up, Rick wanted me to wait until April when the plan would roll over again.  April was stupid busy, so I had plenty of reasons to put it off until later.  Well, later has come!

Today I went in for a fitness and agility test, blood test, and other things.  They took and EKG, which I had to admit I had no idea what that really was.  I had heard about it on TV, but didn't know it was the sticky things they put all over and attach to a thing to monitor your heart.  Okay.  I don't know if this time will really work for me, but here's hoping.

Back to the Future

That title is a little grim for me.  It's kind of like sentencing myself to being fat no matter what I try to do.  I shouldn't say that.  I should say "Back to the Start" or "Back to the Beginning" for my alliterate comrades out there.  

I should explain.  Last year (as in last school year) I went from 314 lbs in the summer to 287 in the Winter/early Spring.  Go me!  Then Summer came again, and now I'm back to 313.  As Cathy would say, "Blech".  I feel like I'm doomed to repeat the same fat pattern forever in one giant loop.  Last year I was so motivated by the promise of having a baby.  Well, that never happened.  My workout buddy fizzled on me.  I'm not sure what happened, but I have a feeling I let her down somehow and she lost interest in me.  Summer came and I had SO MANY crochet projects to finish (started one and finished none).   And I just let myself go.  Oh, let's not talk about the Little Debbie binge I went on a couple of weeks ago (MAN, I still want one. . or five).  It's all just so discouraging.  Every time I get in "healthy mode" I KNOW that this time is going to be different.  I'm going to lose the weight and keep it off!  No more moving the slider on the scale for the nurse at the doctor's office from the 250 to the 300 mark.  Nope!  Not me!  I'm going to lose weight and keep it off. I pump myself up so high and then I fall.  And when I fall, I fall HARD.  If there's one thing I'm really good at, it's being fat.  I'm okay at being healthy, but I got the corner of the market on being fat.

Okay, pity party is over.  Truth is, I'm working again.  That means I'm moving around and since it's Summer and my AC doesn't work so well, I'm sweating a lot.  That's a start.  Along with the fact that I don't have an unlimited amount of food around my classroom to munch on.  The pounds will start to come off soon.  What I need to do is start exercising again.  And staying away from Little D.  She's a baaaaad influence on me.

Okay, on a completely unrelated note:  Is this really what I'm supposed to be working for?  That's disgusting, Facebook!  You should be ashamed.

Yoga 1 Week Later

Okay, I didn't give up!  Hooray for me!  I still haven't gotten any props, although I did try using my husband's 32 oz plastic cup as a yoga brick once.  It started to groan and bend, so I just decided to go without. I believe I've done 4 or 5 yoga routines so far.  The first disk has three sections:  Strength and Vitality, Flexibility. . Something, and Serenity.  I believe I did three Strength and Vitality, one Flexibility and, today I moved on to the next DVD of the four, Yoga Mix.  It's yoga mixed with dance.  I did the first section, not sure it has a name. . . but it was pretty good!  I like how I don't have to bebop and hop around to break a sweat and get my heart rate up.  I do my best on these routines, modifying it to work for me, not worrying if I don't make the exact same pose as the instructor lady.  She and I are on speaking terms now.  That first day, I got all mixed up when she really got into the routine.  Mountain pose to downward dog, take the left leg in and lunge, move leg back to plank, move up to downward dog. .  .she goes pretty fast, but I'm getting it.  Today, with the new disc came a new lady.  I was able to keep up pretty much until she had us in criss cross applesauce (I can do that better now!) and she wanted me to swing the top leg to the side and back to the front.  Um. . . nope.  I stretched and breathed during that part.

I don't know, it's getting better!  I reserved a book called Big Yoga at the library last week.  I still haven't gotten it, but I'm hoping it will show me a fat person alternative to this move.  I haven't encountered it yet, but there's a picture of it on the Yoga mix DVD and it kind of freaks me out.

Well shoot, in looking for that picture, I found a bunch of yoga poses that freak me out!  Observe the following:







Aaaaaand, this last one is a good example to end on.  Shut your face.  Just shut it right now.  I think someone just broke this lady.  She needs to be returned to factory settings.  I'm glad I began yoga in the naivete of youth.  I don't think I would have considered it at this point in my life if i hadn't had that Yoga for Dummies to start me out.  It's all just a little too intimidating.  Oh well, I'm in it now!

PCOS . . . You Jerk.

I want to be pregnant.  I always thought it would be super easy for me and maybe it would have been ten years ago when I was younger and closer to 200 lbs than 300 lbs.  But no, I have been diagnosed with a condition called PCOS (Polly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) and apparently, that makes getting pregnant difficult.

I have read up on it a little and a few girls have said that when they dropped 20 lbs or so they got preggers, so I'm hopeful.  I'm hopeful right now especially because I have dropped 15 lbs since August, so, yeah.

Reason for bringing this issue up again today:  The last couple of days I've had some symptoms that make me wonder.  I got nauseous and dizzy on Monday because I had to drive up a very steep hill.  I'm actually feeling it again just thinking about it.  Tuesday I had some spotting even though I had just finished my period a couple of days earlier.  Yesterday was pretty normal, but today (Thursday) I woke up with an awful headache (which isn't uncommon for me) that was accompanied by nausea and a pain that felt like a pinch in a straight line to the side of my abdomen.  It didn't feel like sore muscle pain from the crunches I did earlier.  It felt different.  I wasn't doing so hot this morning, enough so that my husband pleaded with me to not go to work (I went, anyway).  My mouth was doing that watering thing that it does right before you throw up and I had to think about other things because I really felt like I may throw up on the drive over here.  When I got to work, I took 2 Excedrin Migraine pills and I felt better by the time the kids came into my room.  Am I pregnant or is my PCOS just getting a kick out of messing with me?

It would be great if I were pregnant.  Then we could wait a few weeks and tell our families on Christmas Day!  Wouldn't that be awesome!?!

Yoga, Where Have You Gone?

Here I am at 34 and about to tell a "when I was young" story. . . I had a VCR of Yoga for Dummies that I got cheap on Amazon.  I remember yoga.  Friendly, calm, encouraging yoga.  We were friends.  Granted, I was 25, a good 70 lbs lighter, and I had less of an understanding of my body's limits.  

So, now that I'm working out with my friend Greta after school three to four times a week, trying to watch what I eat, and since I've lost 15 lbs since the beginning of the school year, I thought I would mix it up.  I remembered my fondness for yoga and I purchased Gaiam Beginner's Yoga 4 Disc Set from Target for $15.  Not bad.

Cut to today.  It's 6:13 a.m. on a cool Sunday in November.  Daylight Savings day.  My eyes popped open at 4:20.  It took about an hour to convince myself that I've been given the gift of an extra hour to work out, but finally I got out of bed.  I put on my workout clothes, pulled my hair back, and went down to the living room to start my new yoga routine.  It took a while to figure out how to switch to our little used DVD player from our wii, but I did it.  SO EXCITED!

I learned a few things today.  I learned that my flexibility is even more limited than I thought.  I learned that fat gets in the way when trying to do most of these poses.  I learned I hate this lady. I couldn't get the first position she had us start, which is like criss-cross applesauce, only without the ankles crossing (one ankle in front of the other.  Can't do that, and when I say I can't do that, I mean I physically cannot do that.  My legs just refuse to go that way.  I ended up with one leg about halfway pulled in and the other leg slightly bent and then eventually straight ahead.  Alright.  I was still stretching and I still could practice my yoga breathing.  She had us pull our knees into our chest. Again, can't do that.  What came next, I wasn't prepared for.  She wanted me to roll back and forth along my spine.  I don't think that was supposed to be painful.  She seemed to enjoy it.  My poor tailbone especially had a hard time.  It's been sore for a while from sitting in my comfy chair too long and too often.  I did like the way she talked me through transitioning from sitting on the floor to standing.  That maneuver has become less than graceful through the years.  Still, the more I got into the routine, the more I had trouble following her instructions.  Real trouble.  I ended up sitting on the floor and just breathing and moving my arms.  This chick is crazy.  I am now sitting in my comfy chair with my laptop on my lap, watching her do things that I couldn't dream of doing on my best days.  And I have 4 DISCS of this!!  Four discs of inadequacy.

My next move is to research yoga for fat people.  (Side note, she has just pressed her shin into her face. WHO DOES THAT?!)  Surely there are tips out there for the less than flexible.

****Researching****

Youtube videos:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZNns5tamRY&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ahlwer-Vd8&feature=related

MegaYoga book on Amazon that has a lot to offer just in the Look Inside part:
http://www.amazon.com/Megayoga-Megan-Garcia/dp/0756619475/ref=pd_cp_mov_0

I have learned that I need props.  I have also learned not to take form as seriously.  I mean not worrying about keeping my legs together in child's pose.  I'm sure I knew this at one point, but I have to make exceptions for my "budda belly".  If I widen my legs a bit, my tummy has somewhere to go.  Okay.  Good to know.  If I can remember to bring my sewing machine to school, maybe Greta can help me learn how to thread it and therefore I can be on my way to making one of those tube pillows.  Or maybe I can just find one. . .

Props:  Tube Shaped Pillow, Yoga Bricks, Straps.
Props I have:  Coffee Table, Wall

I'm feeling better about yoga now.  I just reserved a book online from the library:  Big Yoga.    It doesn't look as cool as MegaYoga, but I can't afford to buy more stuff right now.  200 pages?  Hopefully there are some pictures.  We'll see.  I'll just keep trying to do my DVD with modifications that feel better for me.

Maybe I'll dig my Yoga for Dummies VCR tape out of the basement.  I just remember it being easier.

I'm Juicing Now!

I'm really angry at myself today.  I weigh 314.6 lbs.  WHAAAAAA?!?!  Okay, so I knew I had hit 300 a while ago.  Even when I reached 309, I still didn't feel TOOO bad.  But somehow, 314.6 has kicked my butt.

I'm glad I didn't see this before I decided to eat healthy.  I have been on a gradual mission this summer.  I kicked out coffee and tea, suffered the migraines and came out the other side.  Now when I eat my meals, I reach for water instead of a sugary caffeinated beverage.  I admit, when I go to restaurants, I'm still adding sweetener to my water to give it a flavor, but that will pass soon enough.  I also cut back on sugar.  By this, I  mean I am making myself look at the sugar content on EVERYTHING suspicious.  I aim for under 9 grams per serving, but I've been letting 12 or 13 slide by.

Now I'm moving into my veggie loving stage.  I've started juicing again.  Today I juiced a whole bag of oranges, 16 oz of strawberries, most of a bag of spinach, and 8 carrots.  Seems like a lot, but it will probably only be good for 4 servings of juice.  I've done juicing before, but was kind of lost at it.  I think instead of looking in my books and trying to follow some kind of recipe, I'll rely mainly on what's in season and cheap.  Right now, that's strawberries and oranges.  I still want to learn about herbs and such, but the most important thing for me is to settle into a routine.  If I can't master this, I won't keep it up.  I'm hoping that the seasonal fruits and veggies will give me some variety.

My next goal is to start making myself move.  It's so easy to sit on my butt and watch t.v. and pass out into my daily coma.  I need to get up and around.  I'm still figuring out what that will look like.  I have options.  There's an exercise machine in my basement, I have wii Fit, Netflix offers a variety of workout videos, Rick has pulled out and fixed up my old bike.. . .  Again, I have to want to do this.  Otherwise, it turns into another Katie fad.

Again, I will take a moment to complain about my husband's lack of, well, he supports me.  He knows I want to have babies (and he wants them, too).  He tries to keep me accountable, but his little scoldings are half hearted.  I don't know what it is that he's lacking.  Maybe I want him to jump on my bandwagons with me.  It doesn't help things that he's still buying sugar.  He bought a huge bag of mini candy bars last night for his bible study.  I couldn't help myself.  I ate all the Twix I could.  This morning, following the "after my period high", I put all the leftovers (and there were a ton) in a gallon ziplock bag and put them in the basement deep freeze.

I want to be healthy. I want to take control of this thing I have been fighting for so long.  I want this to happen now.