I find myself being really offended by the Special K commercials that have SKINNY people taking the Special K challenge to lose 5 lbs.  And keep it off.  By drinking their shakes and eating their cereal.  Why can't thin people be happy the way they are?  I would love to be in a place where 20 or even 40 or 50 extra lbs stuck to me.   Last time I checked, with my height and bone structure, my ideal weight is 140.  That means I'm 160 lbs fatter than I should be.  I'm two fat people.  That's a rough truth.

I've been on diets similar to the Special K one.  It's a lot of work.  You change your lifestyle, but it's fun at first.  It's a project.  But then life hits and you go back to "the norm".   Let me tell you, no one's "norm" is to drink a shake that you have to convince yourself tastes good twice a day.  It offends me to think that people who are already thin are out there busting their humps to be, what?  Thinner?

So stupid.

Does Fat Get To Be Beautiful?

A few years ago, I thought it would be fun to blog for my local newspaper, so I volunteered my time to write a blog about being a chubby single girl in Topeka.  I posted two segments, one about the evolution of fat in pop culture as I saw it and another one, well, I forget.  What I do remember was the response I got to my blog.  I only had a handful of people leave comments, but one in particular stuck out to me and may have been the reason why I didn't continue writing for the Capitol Journal.  After my post about how fat girls are beginning to be able to dress fashionably and even have some sway over the opposite sex (as in the song "I Like Big Butts") someone commented that being fat wasn't healthy and that such advances for the fat community were a step back for our society.  I had to stop and think about this.

My first reaction was man, I hate that guy.  But there is a truth to what he was saying.  No, we don't want our children to grow up idolizing fat as the ultimate goal, just like we don't want them idolizing anorexia as the ultimate goal.  Both are terrible on the human body but the main difference is, one is idolized while the other is still seen as grotesque and asexual.

I read comments on an article last week about a plus sized model doing (tasteful) nude photos because she is proud of her body.  The people who weighed in on this article were either in love with this sized 12 model or hated her.  The sentiment was, if you liked this girl, skinny people sucked.  If you preferred skinny, then this plus sized model was hideous and should be ashamed.

Here's what I think.  No, my weight is not ideal.  It is harmful to my body and I need to make changes to my diet and exercise routine if I want to have a long and healthy life.  Yes.  That is no secret.  But right now, I am this way.  Because I am fat, am I to be exiled to a world of stretch pants and greasy hair?  No!  I can't do that. I'm going to shower, I'm going to wear makeup and I'm going to look for companies that can put me in nice clothes.  Now.  That means I need plus sized models to exist and be proud to wear my size 22 clothes.  I need fashion industry people to make these clothes for people my size.  I'm not asking that the world go on a campaign to promote overeating.  I'm asking the world to allow me and people like me to have a chance to be beautiful.

Fat comes with a stigma.  There are people literally starving themselves because they would rather die than look like me.  If you are fat, you do not deserve to be happy and confident.  The world needs us to to feel bad about how we look.  We are not beautiful, and everyone knows that only the beautiful deserve the best jobs, the nicest things, and love.  Fat people don't get to be in love.  Guess what?!  I met a guy who looks me fully in the face, hips, arm fat, thighs, fat rolls, and butt and sees someone worth loving.  The skinny people don't have a monopoly on love!  Take that!!

Yes, I understand the concerns some people may have about plus sized models, but get over it!  Fashion conscious fat people exist.  We are a valid market and we deserve to spend our money on nice things just as much as anyone else.  We deserve our chance at being beautiful.  Why can't we view all  shapes and sizes as beautiful? Why does it just have to be the skinnies?  I say it doesn't.

So, my work has a health initiative program that kind of sucks.  We've had $20 a month health care for years.  I only had it for one year before they started the initiative, but I think that's long enough to get used to it.  The health initiative requires all USD 501 employees to sign participate in healthy activities every quarter.  Last year, when it started, we were only asked to participate in one activity per quarter, this year it's two.  If we do not fill out the proper paperwork, our health insurance spikes up to $110 a month.  My high morals have been put to the test on this one.  They have failed me.  I am not involved in any of the approved activities.  There's a stubborn side to me that doesn't want to exercise now that a knife is being held to my throat.  The high road would be for me to say "Forget you! I'll exercise when I want to!"  Yup.  That would be great.  Unfortunately, we can't afford that.  So then my incredibly high moral standard would then require me to fall in line and exercise as I have been directed.  Yup.  That hasn't happened.

What have I been doing for the past year?  I have been lying. . . kind of.  This all started in January 2011, right after I got married.  One of my options in this program is to keep an exercise log.  The idea is, I work out at least three times a week at home for 30 minutes of my own time and keep record of it.  So. . . I've been recording the number of times Rick and I have sex and labeling it "Cardio".  Lying, but not really.  I was fastidious at first about exact dates, but after the first quarter, I just started guessing about dates.  Our average "doing it" rate is about 3 times a week, normally ranging from 20 to 45 minutes.  Lying, but not really.

So, I am aware that I am only hurting myself.  I continue to do things to trip myself up and weaken my health.  I continue to live in pain and not fit in public chairs or fit in my clothes.  But at least I'm not slaving away for my communist overlords, right?  Right?

Okay, so I want to have a baby, and because I'm fat, I have something called PCOS.  Because of that, I don't ovulate as much?  At all?  I'm not sure, so conceiving has been naught.  This condition is tied in somehow to my pre-diabetic state and my sugar levels being sky high.  SO, I've tried doing something different.

School started August 16, and my first day, I was so excited, I got up at 5:00 a.m. to exercise.  I haven't done it since.

I have changed my food intake, though.  I drink a shake in the a.m. that consists of the following items:

• 1 scoop chocolate flavored protein powder (most protein shakes come with their own little scoop)
• 1 scoop non-fat powdered milk
• 1 scoop water

These are interchangeable:

• 1 tbsp honey
• 2 tbsp peanut butter
• 1 banana

I learned how to make different protein shakes like this when I worked at a cafe in a gym a few years ago.

For lunch, I eat a protein bar and drink lots of water.  I heard that we often mistake thirst for hunger, so every time I feel hungry in the afternoon, I drink water.  

For dinner, I've been keeping up my fatty mcfatty ways and eating whatever.  

I have been trying to cut out sugar, since my body doesn't process it so well.  I didn't think that would be that much of an issue, but it's crazy how much you crave something when you decide to cut it out on purpose.  It's been a close call several times, since there's a Dollar General just down the street and I just want to go buy a box of Little Debbies.  Gosh that sounds good right about now. . . But it's no longer all about me.  I want to have a healthy non-diabetic baby.  So, yeah. . . 

Anyway, it's been almost 3 weeks and as of last Friday, I've lost 7 lbs.  Tomorrow is weigh day, so I'm excited to see if my weight has changed.  

My weight story in a nutshell: 

On my wedding day, Dec 18, 2010, I weighed 280 lbs.  Over the summer, I sat on my rear and ate whenever the mood hit.  On August 14, I weighed 303 lbs.  Last Friday, August 26, I weighed 296.  My short term goal is to get down to my wedding weight.  Maybe once I do, I'll take it up a notch.  

Baby steps, People.

Things you watch at night sink deeper

So, I watched a lot of television after the husband went to bed. I saw what I think may be the season finale of "Being Human", and although it was good, it didn't really effect me. The "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition", however, made me think about food addiction and how it's unlike any other addiction. There are no drive thru bars. There are no value menu cigarette packs. You need to eat to stay alive, and even if you get healthy with your diet, the temptation to backslide is just around that next bend. I know my husband and I will get healthy one day, but I'm worried it may take some horrible event to spur it on.

Luckily, my last show was there to lift my spirits in that I wasn't so worried about me or Rick, and more concerned about the girls in the Playboy Mansion. "The Girls Next Door" was my last stop. Mos' def not a show I can watch with Rick simply b/c he would see something totally different from what I see. He would see scantily clad women and sex, Sex, SEX! I see self-loathing sadness. Denial, pain, and jealousy are covered up by having fun and making people laugh. They're using charm and humor like makeup. It's hiding the blemishes and the wrinkles of their lives. I watched the first show. I know at least three women live with this emotionally stunted man, and they all consider themselves to be one of his girlfriends. The #1 girl lives in his room with him and is devoted to him. What I know she said: She thinks this is the best relationship she's ever been in, and while he has said the same to her, she's not sure if he's serious or just saying it to her. She also at the end of the show admitted to hoping one day to be this man's only girlfriend.

How sad. The man is in his 70's or 80's. He collects girls like he collects pets. He's been doing it for an obscene amount of time. He's not going to magically wake up one day and only be there for her. These girls can't honestly believe what they have is a real relationship. It's a harem at best. The only way for them to really be happy in love is to leave that house and find someone who loves them where they are at and who they love where they are at. You can't expect to love first and change later. That rarely works. He's not impressed with their beauty. He gets plastic, perfect beauty every day. Not only does he have three girlfriends, but he's got a host of other girls just waiting to be a part of the club. It reminds me of when I started buying beta fish because there were so many different colors and shapes. I kept buying them up in search for that one perfect beauty. This is like that. Those women don't mean anything real to him. They are there to look good and keep him occupied when he's lonely or bored.

What that #1 girlfriend is in search of is what we all want; one true love that you don't share with anyone. How bizarre to have something coveted by my social superior. She's beautiful and skinny and perfect, but I'm the one with the husband that's all mine. He sees all of me and finds me irresistible. This man in the playboy mansion can't see this woman for who she is or what she's worth. Both of the fat people on the Extreme Makeover shows were holding off to find love because they thought they were too fat. Truth is, love will find you no matter what size you are, but you have to decide that you're worth it. You have to decide that the attention and affection you are receiving is genuine and that you are healthy enough to give it back. How can I, a 270 lb fat girl from Kansas know more than a beautiful, cosmopolitan woman from wherever?

Bizzare. I need to go to bed and join my ever loving husband.

Breakfast: The Most Important Meal of the Day

I have the prestigious job of serving breakfast at the school where I teach. As part of our district's Health initiative, we are given food from some district kitchen somewhere that has to meet some sort of nutritional guideline. I'm thinking these guidelines are very loosely monitored. Today it was a slice of Texas Toast soaked in butter and covered on one side with a layer of cinnamon and sugar. Don't get me wrong, these things are stinkin' awesome. One perk of my job is my freedom to take a breakfast if there are any leftovers and I'm not gonna lie. I snatched one of those puppies up!

Now I get the task of deciding whether or not I should feel guilty about this breakfast choice. If we were to eat these at home, I would make a plate with two of these bad boys, a pile of scrambled eggs with cheese on top (or two fried eggs), three or four slices of bacon, and about 16 oz of whole milk. If I wasn't to the point of throwing up after all that, I would have found room for one or two more of those cinnamon toast things. Dang, they were good. So, comparatively, yes, one slice of sugar soaked toast with 4 oz of oj was the better choice.

I know better than this, though. I know that not every meal has to be an event. I know I can get by perfectly well with less. I just get so worked up when I see all this food in front of me. I've fought this battle before. Learned to take smaller portions at buffets and holiday dinners. Thrived on the feeling of never being "full". But it takes concentration to do that. When I close my eyes and just relax and live my life, old habits pop up and the easy way is to eat until no more fits.

This Blog is About Me Being Fat

My name is Katie and I've been fat pretty much my whole life. I mean, I was a chunky kid, but looking back, being fat was more about perspective. I think I was just an early bloomer and mistook my bigger size for being fat. I do know that I have perceived myself to be fat for as long as I remember, and it took college and lots of trips to Taco Bell to make that perception a reality. It's only been downhill since then. I do not have a memory in which I perceived my body to be pretty. Lemme give you a weight run down. I am 5'8", and at my thinnest adult weight, I weighed 178 in high school. I remember being at 220 in my late college years, 240's around age 24, 283 at my wedding 4 months ago, and right now, at 33, I just weighed myself at 289. I did consider it a win, though, that my husband (who weighed exactly the same as me around our wedding date) now weighs 10 lbs more than me :)

I am fat, and since I'm in my 30's, I'm finding more reasons every day to want to lose weight. My left heel is in constant pain from something my dr calls plantar fasciitis, I have no energy to keep up with the elementary kids that I teach, I want to have babies, but now I find that I have PCOS as well, so that's going to be difficult until I get thinner, and lets just say being fat is a reason in and of itself to lose weight.

But my main reason for starting this blog was a hulu commercial for this site http://www.heartonmysleeveblog.com. I thought it was contrived and dishonest. It feels like there may be a real person losing the weight, but someone in PR was writing the blog. Cheep, demoralizing, and boring.

I'm in a rut. My husband likes me fat and he likes to EAT! He won't disown me if I'm thinner, but his insecurity will kick in and make him afraid that I won't want to be with him. It's almost like it was hard enough to get me motivated to be healthier when I was single, but now I'm married, I have to motivate him, as well. Last summer, he was motivated to eat salads at almost every meal. I was not so motivated and it flopped. It's so much easier to fry up some sort of meat and potatoes and stuff my face than it is to plan out healthier foods for us.

This is definitely not me ready to make a life change. This is me wanting to talk about being fat. Maybe next time I'll be motivated to become a healthy person. But right now. This is my fat blog. I may visit my old Chubbygrlsrn blog and cut and paste my old posts on here. I have lots to say about being fat in my day. Welcome. Maybe we can learn together about being people and laughing at ourselves.