Music Teacher Blues

I don't know if I mentioned this before, but I'm an elementary music teacher.  I love my job and I feel like I'm pretty good at it.  Recently, though, I've been noticing things about myself that have hindered my ability to perform my job.  I guess it never occurred to me that being fat could get in the way of me being a good teacher.

It all started a week or two ago when I asked my friend, Josh, how the part time music teacher at his school is working out.  Josh is the full time music teacher, this other man, Dave, is only part time.  Dave is older, rather rotund and riddled with various injuries from being older and rotund.  Josh said he was doing okay, but Josh was concerned about Dave's ability to physically perform the job.  I supposed that Josh was talking about doing movement activities and sitting on the floor with the kids during circle times.  I didn't say anything, but I realized that I had those same problems.

In elementary school, it's called Criss Cross Apple Sauce.  When I was a kid, we called it Indian Style.  Whatever you call it, I can't do it anymore.  My legs just won't stay that way.  One will bend the way it's supposed to and the other will flop out of place.  If I have to get on the ground, I will put both my legs in front of me, both bent off to one side, or I'll sit on my knees until that cuts off my circulation.  When did this become such a difficulty for me?

Jumping.  I have ended jumping full stop.  I do not jump for anything.  Part of it is that I broke my ankle a few months ago and it's still tender, and part of it is because I'm just too heavy to lift myself off the ground anymore.  This limits a lot of movement in the music class since it's not uncommon to use jumping for all manner of activities.  I do a lifting movement with my knees that mimics jumping.  But Katie don't jump no mo.

Movement in general has ended in my teaching style.  I don't have the kids get up and move very much.  I have several spots in the room (stool, heating/cooling unit, my desk, student chairs) where I will park my butt while I teach.  I have spent entire class periods behind my desk operating my computer on the projected screen.  Since when is that music class?

Now, I could make an impassioned plea to myself for the sake of the kids and say "The KIDS need to move more in music class.  It's for the KIDS."  But really, the kids don't care.  They'll come and do whatever it is I tell them we're doing, and I make whatever it is we are doing enjoyable no matter where I've parked my butt in the classroom.  This is all about me.  I want to beef up my music program with movement exercises.  I want to be able to sit in a circle with the kids.  I want to be more energetic and less afraid to use my ankle.  I want to come up with cool ideas for the classroom that I can share with other teachers and have them say "Oooooooo! She's got her stuff together!"

I want to be able to jump again :(

Acme Inc. Strikes Again

Skin tags are part of being fat, right?  I've had a couple on my neck and pulled them off while they were still tiny, but a couple of weeks ago, I found two tags on my left leg right up in the crease near my hoochie.  There was a small one and a bigger one.  They had to have been there for a long time to get as big as they were, but they didn't bother me until I found them.  After I found them, they started to hurt.  The little one hurt more than the big one, so I thought taking care of it was going to make the pain go away.  It's just an annoying pain, not anything serious.  So after a week of fidgeting and hemming and hawing, I finally pinched it off with my fingernail.  It worked an the skin tag was gone.  Fantastic.  But just when I thought my problems were over, the bigger one started to bother me.

This is the moment I started my Wile E. Coyote phase.  The bigger one wasn't as easy.  I tried to pinch it off like the other, and the pain was too much.  Then I tried nail clippers.  Again, too much pain.  Next was shaving it off.  I think I just scraped it up pretty bad because the annoying pain just got worse.  I tried scissors next, but couldn't get a good angle.  This morning I tied floss around it in hopes that it will turn black in a few days and fall off, but I might try clipping off again later today.

Who knew this stupid little skin tag would cause me so much trouble?  Stupid.

***Update: The floss stayed there about a day with nothing happening.  I finally had enough and I pulled the whole thing off.  The floss made it much easier.  No more tag, end of story :)

I find myself being really offended by the Special K commercials that have SKINNY people taking the Special K challenge to lose 5 lbs.  And keep it off.  By drinking their shakes and eating their cereal.  Why can't thin people be happy the way they are?  I would love to be in a place where 20 or even 40 or 50 extra lbs stuck to me.   Last time I checked, with my height and bone structure, my ideal weight is 140.  That means I'm 160 lbs fatter than I should be.  I'm two fat people.  That's a rough truth.

I've been on diets similar to the Special K one.  It's a lot of work.  You change your lifestyle, but it's fun at first.  It's a project.  But then life hits and you go back to "the norm".   Let me tell you, no one's "norm" is to drink a shake that you have to convince yourself tastes good twice a day.  It offends me to think that people who are already thin are out there busting their humps to be, what?  Thinner?

So stupid.

Does Fat Get To Be Beautiful?

A few years ago, I thought it would be fun to blog for my local newspaper, so I volunteered my time to write a blog about being a chubby single girl in Topeka.  I posted two segments, one about the evolution of fat in pop culture as I saw it and another one, well, I forget.  What I do remember was the response I got to my blog.  I only had a handful of people leave comments, but one in particular stuck out to me and may have been the reason why I didn't continue writing for the Capitol Journal.  After my post about how fat girls are beginning to be able to dress fashionably and even have some sway over the opposite sex (as in the song "I Like Big Butts") someone commented that being fat wasn't healthy and that such advances for the fat community were a step back for our society.  I had to stop and think about this.

My first reaction was man, I hate that guy.  But there is a truth to what he was saying.  No, we don't want our children to grow up idolizing fat as the ultimate goal, just like we don't want them idolizing anorexia as the ultimate goal.  Both are terrible on the human body but the main difference is, one is idolized while the other is still seen as grotesque and asexual.

I read comments on an article last week about a plus sized model doing (tasteful) nude photos because she is proud of her body.  The people who weighed in on this article were either in love with this sized 12 model or hated her.  The sentiment was, if you liked this girl, skinny people sucked.  If you preferred skinny, then this plus sized model was hideous and should be ashamed.

Here's what I think.  No, my weight is not ideal.  It is harmful to my body and I need to make changes to my diet and exercise routine if I want to have a long and healthy life.  Yes.  That is no secret.  But right now, I am this way.  Because I am fat, am I to be exiled to a world of stretch pants and greasy hair?  No!  I can't do that. I'm going to shower, I'm going to wear makeup and I'm going to look for companies that can put me in nice clothes.  Now.  That means I need plus sized models to exist and be proud to wear my size 22 clothes.  I need fashion industry people to make these clothes for people my size.  I'm not asking that the world go on a campaign to promote overeating.  I'm asking the world to allow me and people like me to have a chance to be beautiful.

Fat comes with a stigma.  There are people literally starving themselves because they would rather die than look like me.  If you are fat, you do not deserve to be happy and confident.  The world needs us to to feel bad about how we look.  We are not beautiful, and everyone knows that only the beautiful deserve the best jobs, the nicest things, and love.  Fat people don't get to be in love.  Guess what?!  I met a guy who looks me fully in the face, hips, arm fat, thighs, fat rolls, and butt and sees someone worth loving.  The skinny people don't have a monopoly on love!  Take that!!

Yes, I understand the concerns some people may have about plus sized models, but get over it!  Fashion conscious fat people exist.  We are a valid market and we deserve to spend our money on nice things just as much as anyone else.  We deserve our chance at being beautiful.  Why can't we view all  shapes and sizes as beautiful? Why does it just have to be the skinnies?  I say it doesn't.

So, my work has a health initiative program that kind of sucks.  We've had $20 a month health care for years.  I only had it for one year before they started the initiative, but I think that's long enough to get used to it.  The health initiative requires all USD 501 employees to sign participate in healthy activities every quarter.  Last year, when it started, we were only asked to participate in one activity per quarter, this year it's two.  If we do not fill out the proper paperwork, our health insurance spikes up to $110 a month.  My high morals have been put to the test on this one.  They have failed me.  I am not involved in any of the approved activities.  There's a stubborn side to me that doesn't want to exercise now that a knife is being held to my throat.  The high road would be for me to say "Forget you! I'll exercise when I want to!"  Yup.  That would be great.  Unfortunately, we can't afford that.  So then my incredibly high moral standard would then require me to fall in line and exercise as I have been directed.  Yup.  That hasn't happened.

What have I been doing for the past year?  I have been lying. . . kind of.  This all started in January 2011, right after I got married.  One of my options in this program is to keep an exercise log.  The idea is, I work out at least three times a week at home for 30 minutes of my own time and keep record of it.  So. . . I've been recording the number of times Rick and I have sex and labeling it "Cardio".  Lying, but not really.  I was fastidious at first about exact dates, but after the first quarter, I just started guessing about dates.  Our average "doing it" rate is about 3 times a week, normally ranging from 20 to 45 minutes.  Lying, but not really.

So, I am aware that I am only hurting myself.  I continue to do things to trip myself up and weaken my health.  I continue to live in pain and not fit in public chairs or fit in my clothes.  But at least I'm not slaving away for my communist overlords, right?  Right?

Okay, so I want to have a baby, and because I'm fat, I have something called PCOS.  Because of that, I don't ovulate as much?  At all?  I'm not sure, so conceiving has been naught.  This condition is tied in somehow to my pre-diabetic state and my sugar levels being sky high.  SO, I've tried doing something different.

School started August 16, and my first day, I was so excited, I got up at 5:00 a.m. to exercise.  I haven't done it since.

I have changed my food intake, though.  I drink a shake in the a.m. that consists of the following items:

• 1 scoop chocolate flavored protein powder (most protein shakes come with their own little scoop)
• 1 scoop non-fat powdered milk
• 1 scoop water

These are interchangeable:

• 1 tbsp honey
• 2 tbsp peanut butter
• 1 banana

I learned how to make different protein shakes like this when I worked at a cafe in a gym a few years ago.

For lunch, I eat a protein bar and drink lots of water.  I heard that we often mistake thirst for hunger, so every time I feel hungry in the afternoon, I drink water.  

For dinner, I've been keeping up my fatty mcfatty ways and eating whatever.  

I have been trying to cut out sugar, since my body doesn't process it so well.  I didn't think that would be that much of an issue, but it's crazy how much you crave something when you decide to cut it out on purpose.  It's been a close call several times, since there's a Dollar General just down the street and I just want to go buy a box of Little Debbies.  Gosh that sounds good right about now. . . But it's no longer all about me.  I want to have a healthy non-diabetic baby.  So, yeah. . . 

Anyway, it's been almost 3 weeks and as of last Friday, I've lost 7 lbs.  Tomorrow is weigh day, so I'm excited to see if my weight has changed.  

My weight story in a nutshell: 

On my wedding day, Dec 18, 2010, I weighed 280 lbs.  Over the summer, I sat on my rear and ate whenever the mood hit.  On August 14, I weighed 303 lbs.  Last Friday, August 26, I weighed 296.  My short term goal is to get down to my wedding weight.  Maybe once I do, I'll take it up a notch.  

Baby steps, People.

Things you watch at night sink deeper

So, I watched a lot of television after the husband went to bed. I saw what I think may be the season finale of "Being Human", and although it was good, it didn't really effect me. The "Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition", however, made me think about food addiction and how it's unlike any other addiction. There are no drive thru bars. There are no value menu cigarette packs. You need to eat to stay alive, and even if you get healthy with your diet, the temptation to backslide is just around that next bend. I know my husband and I will get healthy one day, but I'm worried it may take some horrible event to spur it on.

Luckily, my last show was there to lift my spirits in that I wasn't so worried about me or Rick, and more concerned about the girls in the Playboy Mansion. "The Girls Next Door" was my last stop. Mos' def not a show I can watch with Rick simply b/c he would see something totally different from what I see. He would see scantily clad women and sex, Sex, SEX! I see self-loathing sadness. Denial, pain, and jealousy are covered up by having fun and making people laugh. They're using charm and humor like makeup. It's hiding the blemishes and the wrinkles of their lives. I watched the first show. I know at least three women live with this emotionally stunted man, and they all consider themselves to be one of his girlfriends. The #1 girl lives in his room with him and is devoted to him. What I know she said: She thinks this is the best relationship she's ever been in, and while he has said the same to her, she's not sure if he's serious or just saying it to her. She also at the end of the show admitted to hoping one day to be this man's only girlfriend.

How sad. The man is in his 70's or 80's. He collects girls like he collects pets. He's been doing it for an obscene amount of time. He's not going to magically wake up one day and only be there for her. These girls can't honestly believe what they have is a real relationship. It's a harem at best. The only way for them to really be happy in love is to leave that house and find someone who loves them where they are at and who they love where they are at. You can't expect to love first and change later. That rarely works. He's not impressed with their beauty. He gets plastic, perfect beauty every day. Not only does he have three girlfriends, but he's got a host of other girls just waiting to be a part of the club. It reminds me of when I started buying beta fish because there were so many different colors and shapes. I kept buying them up in search for that one perfect beauty. This is like that. Those women don't mean anything real to him. They are there to look good and keep him occupied when he's lonely or bored.

What that #1 girlfriend is in search of is what we all want; one true love that you don't share with anyone. How bizarre to have something coveted by my social superior. She's beautiful and skinny and perfect, but I'm the one with the husband that's all mine. He sees all of me and finds me irresistible. This man in the playboy mansion can't see this woman for who she is or what she's worth. Both of the fat people on the Extreme Makeover shows were holding off to find love because they thought they were too fat. Truth is, love will find you no matter what size you are, but you have to decide that you're worth it. You have to decide that the attention and affection you are receiving is genuine and that you are healthy enough to give it back. How can I, a 270 lb fat girl from Kansas know more than a beautiful, cosmopolitan woman from wherever?

Bizzare. I need to go to bed and join my ever loving husband.