233.2 Living in transition: Body issues that come with losing weight

I haven't checked my weight in almost a week, so it's entirely possible I have lost 100 lbs since JUNE!!! That's six months, people!!!!  Well, I'm amazed.  I'm a little overwhelmed, too.  Yesterday, my sister and my friend, Jenelle, were on Voxer with me and the question came up about my self image and how much it had changed.  Jenelle says it's a big problem for people who lose a bunch of weight very quickly.  I don't know if I have changed my view of who I am as a core individual, but I do feel different.  All of my clothes are too big on me.  I can squeeze into tighter spaces.  Jumping, jogging, and movement in general no longer intimidate me.  My knees don't hurt anymore, except for the occasional rainy day. . .  My back hurts all the time, though.  Wonder what that's about?

Well, for all the good weight loss is doing for me, I will say I still have body issues, maybe even more than I had before.  See, before I never really looked at my body unless I was trying to convince myself it wasn't so bad.  I would look at myself, pick up my rolls and jiggle them around a bit, slap my butt and watch the waves of fat ripple, and I would say to myself, "Well, Rick still finds this attractive!" and go on with my day.  I never burst out into tears or was saddened at all by what I saw.  It was just me.  Now that I've lost at least 97 lbs, I'm more conscious of what my body is doing.  I'm still overweight (of course) but now my fat is just limply hanging there instead of making me shapely and curvy.  My boobs!  Oh, my boobs are so deflated.  They look okay when I'm wearing a bra, but I'm going freestyle, they just lay flat against my upper stomach.  My arms look thin at first glance, then you see the wiggle hanging below.  My thighs are sagging, too.  I don't know, it's just a catastrophe right now.  It would help if I would work out, but I'm going through my "I don't feel like working out" phase of the year.  I'll come out of it in January, surely.  I don't know, it's like the thinner I get, the more disappointed I am when I look in the mirror.

Okay, pity party over!  I'm now in my 230's and life is great!  Really.  I promise!  Dr. Tague's diet has really worked wonders.  I feel better equipped now to lose weight, and I feel like I really can keep it off.  I also feel like I have a backup plan for if or when the weight starts to creep back on.  I know what to do to lose it again.  8 servings of lean protein, 5 cups of raw veggies (1/2 of that for cooked), 4 servings of fruit, per day.  Actually, I'm not all that scientifically accurate about the fruits and veggies because I feel like I shouldn't limit the good for me foods, but I pretty much stick to the plan.

248.2 Holy CRAP, do I miss eating!

That wasn't a question, that was meant to be a statement.  But yes, I miss eating.  I mean, that's a dumb thing to say because I eat all the time.  What I mean is that I miss eating without reserve.  I'm on the "Caring Diet", which means I have to have 5 cups of raw veggies (or 2.5 cups cooked), 1.5 cups fruits, and 16 oz of lean protein a day. Do you know what's missing from that list?  EVERYTHING ELSE.  No rice, no potatoes, no bananas, no nuts, no grains, no sugars, no cookies. . . .  Okay, let me back up and explain what inspired this post.  My husband went to Lawrence, KS last night.  For anyone who does not live in the Topeka, KS area, Lawrence is the slightly smaller and much cooler/hipster/leftover hippy town about 20 minutes to the East of Topeka.  It gets to be cool because it's a college town.  Anyway, Rick went to Lawrence to hang out with his brother and help him install a cable cord or something like that.  Afterwards, they went out to eat and Jeff took Rick to a bakery and bought him what I can only assume was a dozen cookies.  There are about 6 left.  I came downstairs this morning to weigh myself to see that bag of cookies on the coffee table.  Let me just insert a little factoid about myself.  I love baked goods.  I haven't been able to have any for almost 5 months.  Anyway, I waited a long time before I peeked inside the cookie bag and saw the Snickerdoodles.  Oh crap.  One piece was broken off a cookie, so I let myself take the tiniest of nibbles.  I savored the flavor of the cinnamon and baked goodness, being really proud that I could take such a small bite and be satisfied.  That was until my brain said, "no, that's not what I care about."  My food problem has never been about enjoying flavors.  I mean, I do, but the real problem was that I enjoy the feeling of a full mouth.  I don't know how else to explain it.  I'm a big bite girl.  Always have been.  To me, "eating" is cramming as much food into my mouth as possible, chewing it up, and swallowing in big gulps.  That tiny bite isn't what my body was craving.  It wanted that whole piece mushing around in my face.  I didn't DO it!  Instead, I got on here to vent.  Maybe that's an equivalent to an alcoholic who doesn't drink for the taste, but for the rush of feeling drunk? I don't know.  I still get to stuff my face, it's just with 5 cups of raw veggies (or 2.5 cups cooked), 1.5 cups fruits, and 16 oz of lean protein a day.  I've been getting really good at making egg white omelettes.  Maybe I'll go make one right now.  It'll wash the Snickerdoodle taste out of my mouth.

277.6 Rewind the Future

This ad hits home for me.  I know people are up in arms because it seems to be taking a strong stance against parents, but that's not what I see at all.  I see my own life flashing up on the screen.  Well, my life up to a point.  If the video isn't working, search "Rewind the Future" on youtube.  Here's the video's description:

Meet Jim—the character in our Rewind the Future video—he is a man whose life flashes right before his very eyes, unhealthy habits and all. You'll get a shocking sneak peek into the future to see what life might be like for a child who carries unhealthy habits with him into adulthood.

I was not shocked by the idea that fat people can end up having serious health problems.  I was more jarred by the familiarity of his flashbacks.  Getting winded easily, finding myself sitting in front of the television most of the time, hearing the warnings from doctor after doctor telling me I am pre-diabetic, ordering pizza, eating delicious birthday cakes, drinking soda like it was water, trading my apple for someone's cupcake at school. . . this has been my life.  I will say that my mom tried to encourage  us to eat vegetables and to leave the sweets alone, but I was not convinced.  Mom didn't seem too worried, either, because I was never THAT fat growing up.   Up to a certain age, I had doctors telling me that while I was big for my age, I was healthy as a horse.  That little tidbit took me well up into the 200's.

My problem has always been reactionary.  I have a feeling, emotional or physical, and I reach for unhealthy foods to make it better.  I don't wax on about food or think about it constantly.  I really only ever think about it when I feel something.  That's why this diet is helpful to me.  It gives me something to reach for when I feel hunger.

Being 53 lbs down has been nice.  Clothes that used to be to tight started fitting again, and now are starting to get loose.  All of my jeans come off me without having to unbutton them.  My hips go straight down now instead of balooning out. I'm still look like a fatty fatso, but I FEEL skinny.  It's pretty great.

294.1 Addressing Overweight Issues

This video made my day.  I can say with confidence I don't feel like this when I work out anymore, but I am no stranger to these thoughts.  The very end when they both are chowing down on greasy burgers. .  yep.  That was always my problem when I would exercise in the past.  I would get SO HUNGRY and I would tend to over compensate.  Then when I would focus on dieting, I would be tired all the time and unmotivated to move.  Anyway, I didn't want to post this for analyzing purposes.  I just thought it was funny and relatable.  

Here, let's judge and over analyze THIS video:

Okay, to be fair, this is HER journey and her experience.  I do believe she's trying to be honest and helpful and she may even BE helpful to someone.  I don't know, I didn't check the comments section.  Also, this is the first video of hers I've seen, and she's apparently made several regarding her journey, so I'm not getting the full story.  The video is 11 minutes long, and she talks.  A lot.  She's got the video split up into sections using title screens, so I ended up skipping to the next title and listening to a bit of what she had to say and then going to the next title.  I'll address each title.

Crossing My Legs:

She's right, as a 300 lb woman, I can't cross my legs.  I don't think.  Here, let me try. . . Well, I suppose I can, but it's not comfortable.  I can't say I miss it or have found myself envying women who can.  I remember a few years back when I had lost weight enough that I could cross them with ease again and I remember the feeling of pride I had, but my over all life experience hasn't been tarnished by this lack of dexterity.  I do miss getting up and down off the floor with ease.  A couple of years ago, I worked out enough that I was able to sit criss-cross applesauce (Indian style) with the kids again, and that was nice.  I don't know.  I'm sure I'll be proud to have it back, but as of right now, I don't miss crossing my legs.

Hugging Without Feeling Self Conscious:

Is this a thing?  I tend to feel I give the best hugs BECAUSE I'm overweight.  I was at an airport once in the area where people come off the plane and their loved ones rush to meet them.  Well, I saw a really skinny girl come through the gate and a really skinny guy rushed to give her a big hug.  I'm sorry, but to me, it looked like two sticks banging together.  I literally wondered if the bone on bone contact was painful for them?  I don't know.  When I feel like giving a big hug, I have no worries about giving it my all.  That's my experience.

I will give this much to her, though:  when I was a teenager or maybe even my early twenties, I did experience the fear that someone would touch my rolls and be grossed out.  Then I got my first boyfriend and he didn't care at all, so I got over it.

Wearing "Normal" Sized Jewelry:

I think maybe she wore her fat differently from me.  She said she wore a size 11 ring and had to wear men's watches.  My ring size is 9. . and a half?  And I don't find many bracelets that fit me loosely enough, but I always attributed that to my bone structure.  I don't know.  When I was in high school and got my weight from 190 to 178 (my mom likes to refer to that time as "when you lost all that weight", but it was only about twelve pounds), I noticed my shoe size went down from between 10.5/11 to 9/9.5, so maybe there's room for shrinkage, but I'm not really a jewelry person, so I don't notice it so much.  I am in a community choir and we have to wear these necklaces that hang loosely on most people but tend to become a choker on me.  Maybe that will change?!  I would like to wear BELTS! That would be fun.

Wearing "Cute Strappy" Shoes:

Okay, I'm going to say I relate to this one the most.  She's talking mostly about heels in this section and I'm going to say I know exactly what she's talking about.  I do not do heels.  I've even gone all the way to the other end of the spectrum and purchased orthopedic shoes for myself.  You have to when you're overweight and you stand on concrete all day.   My first couple of years teaching, I experienced heel pain from improper shoes, so I bought Crocs.  Not the big ugly ones with holes, but the cuter ballerina flats.  Then I broke my ankle at the beginning of year three and my other knee had to over compensate, so I had knee problems.  My answer to that was Orthaheel shoes.  I do have some regular ballerina flats for church and flip flops for summertime wear, but no heels no way.  My ankles are to weak to support all this weight and the heavier you are, the more heels HURT your feet.  I'll try heels when I get closer to the 200 mark.  As far as the "strappy" shoes go, they just don't look good on swollen ankles.  My answer has always been long pants to cover up my feet/ankles whenever possible.

Getting Dressed Each Day:

She waxes on about how she dreaded getting her outfits together when she was fat.  Blah blah blah.  Find cute clothes that fit and it doesn't matter what size you are, dressing in new clothes is always fun.   I just never seem to have the funds to allocate towards clothes, so all my stuff has hidden holes and buttons and seams that have been mended.  No matter my size, I've always liked to wear bold colors.  It's just part of me.  Now, I am in no way a "fashionista", but I do okay.

Overall, her "motivation" does not work for me.  She puts down being fat in such a negative way, and sorry, if you are now skinny, you don't get to go there.  It's like my friend who had been single with me for years and then found herself in a relationship, but wanting to still shout out to her single friends on Valentines Day.  It just doesn't go over well.   Being fat has challenges, yes, but it isn't the nightmare she was waxing on about.  I tend to face my fat challenges with humor, not shame.  Anyway.  That's where I am today.

 

 

304.7 Walking in the Rain, Harley Pasternak, and the Evils of Fructose!

I woke up this morning and put on my exercise clothes just like I've been doing every morning for the past few weeks.  I waited around while my husband got ready so I could spend as much time as possible with him and when he kissed me goodbye and opened the door, we both saw it.  Rain was saturating my neighborhood.  Rick looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and said "Have fun walking in the rain!"  I knew what that meant.  He thought my plans for walking were squelched.  Well, think again, Mister!  Years ago, probably in the 2005-2006 range, I got serious about walking every day.  This was mainly thanks to my friend, Shawna.  We lived in the same apartment complex, so I would walk over to her place every morning at 6:00 and we would walk around the complex for about an hour.  I remember the first time we encountered rain on our walk.  Shawna wasn't phased, so I kept my mouth shut.  I also learned from her that if your shoes give your heals blisters, walk through the pain and it eventually goes away.  You have bloody socks to show for it, but you also have a hard, painless scab that falls off after a while.   She also taught me to keep walking in the cold.  Yes, you start out freezing, but the harder you work your body, the warmer you get.  Because of her, I gained the confidence to walk the 2 miles to my work one Saturday in 32 degree weather.  I never would have done that before.   So, when I saw the rain this morning, I did pause momentarily.  Then I opened the door and waved to my confused husband as he drove off to work.  The rain was actually cool and refreshing, and it was the best time for me to be walking today because NPR said that the humidity will rise today and cause the temp to feel like 105.  YUCK!!

Okay, I need to take this moment to give a shout out to Harley Pasternak for putting out a GREAT Wii workout.  I picked it up at KMart for $6.00.  Not too shabby!  I like Harley personally because he's just a down to earth kind of guy giving good tips while he asks you to push your limits.  There are short videos of him giving health and nutrition advice, but you work out to a (somewhat poorly done) CGI version of him and two women doing the workouts with his voice superimposed over it.   The (I don't know what to call it.  Disc? Game? Wii program?) works in this way:  He's got 28 workout segments that you can do individually, or you can chose a 10 week or a 5 week program.  I chose the 10 week program and every day, I get new workout segments to work different parts of the body.  It's like having several workout DVD's without having to switch them out all the time.  You either hold the Wii remote or put it in your pocket (I have to tuck it in my underwear bc I don't have pockets--Eww, I'm suddenly realizing how gross that sounds) and the Wii will pick up your movements and give you points while it counts your reps.  I usually have time to get more done than the program says, but sometimes it doesn't pick up what you do, so it tends to balance itself out.

 You don't do the number of reps it tells you and then stop, you do as many as you can in a set number of time.  I like that they give you a little countdown at the top so you can see how much longer this torture will go on.  Of course, just like everything else technological these there are charts so you can follow your progress.  The disc cover says there's a diet program on there, but I think it's just short videos of him giving nutrition tips after your workout.  When I bought it, I thought it might be like a calorie counter,  but no.  

He's very positive and easy to relate to in the workouts, but he will yell at you if you stop (or he thinks you stop because the remote didn't pick up your movements.) I've learned that a lot of times, the Wii doesn't want you to mirror him, it wants you to do the opposite.  I'm not proud of it, but this morning, while doing double crunches, I cheated.  I did the required amount and then some, but to keep him from yelling at me for stopping, I just laid there and pumped the Wii remote up and down over my head.  Gotta strive to not do that.  I read some reviews about this program on Amazon before I bought it (thank you, Age of the Smart Phone!) and one reviewer said the workouts were too easy.  I would say for a 300+lb woman who has worked out extensively before, it wasn't easy.  I would call it accessible.  It wasn't the extreme rubbish I came across the first time I tried to do Yoga.  Oh, and one more thing:  It's made for Wii Fit, but you don't need a board to do any of the exercises.  The board is just there to track your weight, which it won't read above 300 lbs.  I found this confusing and a bit insulting, but oh well!  Wii Fit is keeping track of my weight in the regular program.

Okay, so I totally spent an hour and a half this morning watching a video about fructose.  

He looks like George W. in this still, doesn't he?  Well, he isn't.  He's Dr. Robert H. Lustig and he's got some interesting things to say about obesity.  The video is set in a lecture hall and it is an hour and a half long, but Dr. Lustig is a great speaker.  He sucked me in and held my attention through most of his presentation.  At one point, he says if you've had biochemistry he will blow your mind, but if you haven't he will put you to sleep.  I fell asleep.  Only for a few minutes and only because he was going WAY over my head.  The rest of the lecture was completely fascinating.  There's a lot of information in there, but in its most simplistic form, it can be boiled down to this video.  Be warned, it's pretty gross:

Oh, I'm going to finish this incredibly long blog post to address some concerns I had the last time I wrote.  I was worried about not losing weight, and the nurse practitioner said it was normal and will happen a lot through the course of this program.  I asked her about working out and she said the more the better.  I guess they give really small goals in the beginning so people who aren't used to working out won't get discouraged?  I guess?  Also, I did not cheat at the wienie roast.   I stuck with my packets of food and drank my water and took everyone else's word for it that the quarter pound Hebrew National hot dogs we got were really good.    Funny how I didn't eat the food but I still had a great time. .  

306.9 The Food Monster Inside Me

On a positive note, I lost a pound!!  After sitting on this same weight for days, my body finally dropped a pound, and was even kind enough to make it into the 306 region, albeit barely.  I know scales are wanky, especially at this weight, and I know that when I go to my doctor's visit this afternoon, I will probably read much higher and that actual weight readings don't mean as much as the inches I'm losing, or the muscles I'm feeling resurface, or the clothes I'm able to wear again, or the my regained ability to jog down the stairs instead of holding on to the railing for dear life and taking one step at a time.  I know all this, I just get caught up in the number assigned to my weight so easily.

Well, speaking of obsessive behavior, I'm at a conundrum this week.  I have been ever so faithful at drinking my shakes and taking my pills.  I'm not always 100% on time, but all the foods get into my body eventually.  My conundrum comes in the form of this upcoming holiday weekend.  I have stressed to my husband over and over again that I want him to continue living his life and not feel like he has to hide food from me or not talk about it.  I want everyone around me to go about doing what they do let me adjust.  So, my family is doing just that this weekend.  We are planning on having a weenie roast with potato salad and coleslaw and the whole bit, plus s'mores.  My husband is giddy with all the preparations.  My mouth starts watering every time I think about it.  Right now, I'm mostly envying the deviled egg potato salad.  Oh the texture!!!

So I have mentioned to my family that I could ask my doctor this week if I could have a "cheating" meal.  I guess it's not cheating if the Dr. approves it, but still.  I'm still not sure how much I can stray from this meal plan without dire consequences.   I panicked over communion that first Sunday, afraid that the tiny cup of juice my mess with my sugar levels, but when I talked to the Nurse Practitioner, she waved it off like it was no big deal at all and even said a lot of sugary or fatty foods over time would be a concern, but not that.  Of course, that got my wheels turning.  If communion was okay, what else could be sneaked in?  A bite of fried sushi?  A fresh cherry? A bite of my husband's Taco Bell?  These are all just inner dialogues.  I have stayed pure since Day 1, but that desire is there.  That's what I'm worried about, the desire.  I'm afraid if I ask my nutritionist, or whomever I see today, and they approve my one meal "cheat", that it will open the floodgates.  I've been strong only because I have this program backing me up.  If I find loopholes, I'm afraid I'll take advantage of them.  I tend to do that.

I have had reoccurring dreams since almost the beginning of this diet.  It started the day we went to my husband's parents house to help them on their property.  At the end of the day, we all sat down at a picnic table and everyone else had fried chicken and the like.  Well, my husband was pooped after working in the hot sun all day, so I served him up a couple of pieces of fried chicken on a plate and as I passed the plate with one hand, I licked the fingers on my other hand!!!  I panicked for half a second, but then laughed it off.  Well, that night, I had a dream that I was in the exact same scenario, picnic table and all, but in front of me was a half empty glass of soda.  In my dream I had a melt down because I was afraid that I had not only been drinking the soda, but what did I eat with it?  Fries? A burger!?  I have had several  dreams like that since, although lately, I'm a lot more relaxed about it, like "Oh well, my diet is ruined. Whatever."  And I wake up with this feeling like it's over now.  I've messed it up.  And I have to convince myself that everything is still okay.  I'm still doing all the right things.

This whole food thing is just a mess.  This is why I don't do well on diets.  I have to do everything perfectly or else I lose myself and that beast within resurfaces, telling me my plate full of Chinese Buffet food is okay because I got some broccoli in there.  This diet that I am on is strict and simple, but I am afraid of what will happen once I am off of it.  My body might be thinner and my stomach might be smaller, but will my brain be different, or will I rejoice that I can stuff myself again?  The thing is, food is rarely as good as I expect it to be.  It's all in my head.

I think my decision is that I'm not ready for the responsibility of a "cheat" meal.  Maybe sometime down the road, but right now, it's just too soon.

308.2 Disappointment and Fitbit

How I feel about the recent weight loss success stories.

Yes, I am feeling discouraged now.  I know diets take a lot of weight off at first and then level off and that
there are many factors involved, chiefly, muscle gain can slow overall weight gain down.  I am aware.  This week, I have been settling into a workout routine.  I've been doing a bit of strength training and yoga on the wii (10 different workout poses) and walking a mile around my town home complex. I'm trying to get in 5,000 steps a day, but since I'm not working and I sit around all day, I'm not meeting that goal all the time.  Now I'm considering that the workout poses on the wii are too much.  Maybe I should just stick to walking?  I'm supposed to be dropping the weight super fast, but since Monday, I've lost a little over a pound.  When it was flying off me, I was sure that I was going to be in the 200's today.  It's all just a little disheartening. . . .

So how do you cheer up a chubby without food?  NEW STUFF!!  How do I make a long story short? . . . Just read this part really fast:

In January 2013, my husband succumbed to my pleading and got me a Fitbit One as a late Christmas present (burgundy, to be exact).  I clipped that puppy to my bra and had so many wonderful adventures.  Somehow knowing that there is a device on you measuring your activity just makes you want to be more active, you know?  Sure, it was uncouth of me to have to reach into my bra and fish it out just to show my friends my new toy, but it was AMAZING!  It had a little screen on it that gave me up to date readings on my steps, flights of stairs, and sleep? (I think?) Thee was even a flower that showed you your progress, and it would say cute things to me like "Way to go, Katie!" "You can do it!"  I loved that thing.

Well, about five months in, the spot where I kept the fitbit started to get sore, and truth be told, I started to become concerned about microwaves and breast cancer.  I thought maybe I should try a different spot to see if it would get sore there, too.  So one day, I put fitbit on the right side of my bra by my arm just to see if that would make a difference.  By mid afternoon, it was gone.  Gone.  Sadness.  Despair.  Gone.

Cut to a week ago when a friend suggested to me that I contact Fitbit Customer Support.  Against all reason, Fitbit decided to give me a new one.  WHAT??  It's been over a year!  I guess they are just that cool.  I asked them if they could send me a wristband model instead of another One b/c I was afraid of losing it, but they said they couldn't do that.  Know what I did?  When it came in the mail yesterday,  I went to Best Buy and traded it in for a teal Fitbit Flex!  WHOOT!  This one doesn't have the cool screen, but it does sync with my phone so I can get all the same info (maybe without the encouraging words).  SO EXCITED!!   It really is helping me forget about how bummed I am with my weight plateau.